


Easy

by LadyZephyr



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: AU, Dark, F/F, I May Never Finish This, Might as well post it, My brain is crazy, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-09-12 19:50:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9087718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: She wasn't looking for any of it. It was supposed to be easy, cut and dry.  Instead, she falls in.





	1. Strange Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> I have most of this fic ready to post; so I thought I might as well. Especially since I am dragging my feet on finishing Cura te ipsum and updating Ties that Bind. 
> 
> If I finish it, it'll be a 3-parter.
> 
> (okay it's actually going to be 5 parts.)

It's easy money. As terrible as it sounds, that's the reason she keeps going. Why deprive herself of the money?

Leaving her client laying worn out on the hotel bed after six minutes provides her no satisfaction, but she feigns it. Throwing on a robe and going to shower. It’s her hotel room, well her agency’s and she knows this client well enough now to know that he’ll lay still for a long while before showering and leaving himself.

She dresses without thinking, in more ‘normal’ clothes, before packing her things in a small bag and heading out the door.

Returning to what she refers to as her real life, it's nearly instantly interrupted by the other.

“I have a possible new job for you. It is… not your usual but I thought I'd offer it.” The call comes through later that day as she's headed back to campus.

“What kind?” She’s not going to agree to anything without the details made explicitly clear. She's made that mistake before, it's a lesson she doesn’t need to repeat.

“Companionship. Strictly escort. No sex.”

She laughs, more than one client had tried to upgrade their arrangement. She wasn’t interested in handholding, or feigned tenderness but she could try and see if this arrangement would suit her. “Fine. Just tell him sex is extra.”

“That is the thing. She. But she doesn’t want sex.”

“She?!” Delphine balks at first. She supposes if it is just companionship it shouldn't make a difference.

“Yes. We thought with your background, you'd be the best choice.”

“Background?!” now she's confused. She keeps this extra job of hers separate from her real life. She's so incredibly careful, she's learned that too. Her research. Her in-progress PhD. That stays untouched. It's why she takes the train out of the city on weekends she works. It’s why, despite Montréal’s huge sex industry, that she works only in Toronto.

“Very well.” Delphine decides, mostly out of curiosity than anything else. “But no sex.” She wouldn't have that. A woman would see through counterfeit arousal far too easily.

* * *

 

She waits in the hotel lobby as promised. She'd dressed more casually by special request from C.N. Her newest client, it seemed, wanted her to fly under the radar. Or she had some sort of special plans, it was hard to say.

Taking a long sip of red wine, she looks around the bar. She’s dressed as asked. A sweater and skirt, she looks good. But she doesn’t look like a prostitute necessarily. She thinks she looks more like a student.

She's looking for an older woman. Someone in a suit, who thinks she can pay for companionship. Instead she's surprised by a remarkably young looking woman tapping her shoulder.

“Delphine?” The girl asks her, holding out her hand hesitating.

“Yes.” She agrees, shaking the hand. “Enchantée.” For a minute she tries to remember why she’s used her real name, she typically doesn’t. She has a rota of several, depending on her mood. All French, with varying degrees of sultry. It was another boon to this business, the slight exoticism she held for her clients. Often, she'd play up her accent or pretend to be clueless. But now she speaks naturally, not intent on seduction.

“I'm Cosima. C.N.” The girl clarifies. She takes a minute to take her in, young, tattooed, dreadlocks, wearing a red dress with the locks pulled back into a bun.

“I'm sorry. You’re not what I expected.” Delphine apologizes. “Shall we go?”

“Yes. I have a dinner reservation for us. “ Cosima informs her semi-awkwardly. “I… I don’t usually do this.”

“That’s alright.” Was this a game? Perhaps. Either way, she’s led, surprisingly, to the subway.

“Where are we going?”

“Dinner at the CN tower, then the aquarium.” Cosima informs her cheerfully. “C.N. to CN… I thought it was funny.”

There is something about this dinner that tells her, even though it is perfect, that it was not meant for her. It feels far too much like a long planned evening that went to her, a surrogate-date for whatever woman was supposed to be her. It doesn’t annoy her like she thought it would, in fact, it’s easy. Very easy.

And Cosima is friendly, casually chatting to her about the sights, how much she likes the view, almost as if this were a real date.

“So… what do you do?” Delphine leans forward on her elbows part way through dinner. Cosima doesn’t add up. Her youth, her apparent financial means. What was this to her? A social experiment? Was she a journalist looking for a story on escorts? Modern prostitution? Is she even actually homosexual?

“I’m a PhD candidate at the university of Toronto… But I don’t want to bore you with that.” Cosima apologizes.

“You won’t bore me.” She assures her, genuinely intrigued, but whether or not Cosima believes her, she goes into her dissertation. It makes sense now, why the agency wanted to pair her with Cosima. They are so very alike. Even if she’s not one of the escorts that will take female clients. She knows there are a couple who will, but she’d been offered this gig. And she finally sees why, this connection, this likeness was a part of what Cosima must have wanted.

“I guess I can’t ask you the same question.” Cosima shifts awkwardly.

“This is, what you’d call, my second job.” Delphine tells her gently. It has to stay separate she cannot let on to Cosima just how similar they are. Albeit on opposite sides of the table.

They’re meandering slowly through the aquarium, both almost entranced by the slow movements of fish all around them before Cosima broaches the subject again.

“I did know of an anthropology prof who stripped her way through grad school. And then wrote papers on it.” Cosima comments, her head tilting and shooting her a grin. “Maybe I should consider it. Hah... “ Cosima laughs, “I can’t stand men long enough, I think.”

“So epigenetics is a fascinating field.” Delphine comments without thinking, immediately changing the subject, “are you reading a lot of twin studies?”

“Umm wow.” Cosima flips around, turning away from the aquarium tank and the small sharks swimming by. “You actually know what I am talking about, don’t you?”

“I do.” Delphine confirms with a small smile. Getting paid for this, this was fun.

“Why do you do this? It's obvious you're, like, crazy smart.”

“Easy money. Fits into my hectic PhD schedule. “ Delphine finds herself answering honestly without planning to. Cosima’s eyes light up, and she knows, sooner or later they’ll have to talk about their research.

“But you’re just escorting...right?” Cosima asks hopefully. Oh the silly girl, why won’t she just pretend that this is real?

“Sometimes. If they pay extra...then I do more.” She shrugs, unsure of how much to elaborate. Why won’t Cosima let herself forget and focus on the fantasy? She’d obviously hired her to play out one, one that was sweet and romantic. Not in the least upsetting to her.

Cosima nods, looking suddenly uncomfortable. “I … I had fun. A friend told me to try this… and it was much better than I expected… if I want to see you again…?”

“Contact the agency.” Delphine reaches out to squeeze her hands, this is separate. “You can book me any time you like. It was pleasant. I enjoyed myself. I really did.” She assures the girl.

Conversation and adventure with a pleasant young woman, it was hardly the most difficult job in the world. It’s not hard to tell Cosima is looking at her, probably curious as to what she can get away with.

Cosima walks away with a wave, not even bothering to ask to come up to the hotel room, or even try to kiss her.

Strange, Delphine thinks, but it isn’t a lie. She’d happily go out with Cosima again.

* * *

 

Several weeks pass, Cosima books her nearly every week, and she turns down a high paying client twice to make their dates. It’s enough money, it subsidizes her income nicely, and it’s pleasant. They venture around Toronto. Hitting the ROM in the evening or exploring neighbourhoods and shopping districts. It’s always the same, conversation and companionship, and though Cosima will excitedly grab her hands, or tap her shoulder, she’s careful about how much physical contact they’re in.

Another fine dining experience later of some of the most expensive sushi in the city, Delphine eyes Cosima across the table. Was this it? Or was Cosima simply waiting to be asked. Sex, was not what she wanted she said. So then what was it? The girlfriend experience? Surely she wasn’t worth that much money. It was a waste, they’d done this five times now.

“Would you like to come back to the hotel room? Just for a drink?” Delphine offers, there was champagne there, there always was.

“I’m not paying for sex.” Cosima informs her in a small voice.

“I’m not offering sex.” Delphine looks directly back at her. “What do you want from this? Do you want me to hold you? Is that what you’re in this for?” It doesn’t seem fair to be paid this much money and have so little demanded from her, perhaps… perhaps it was something else Cosima wanted?

“Okay.” Cosima agrees, letting her lead her back to the hotel. Looking nervous as Delphine moves to lock the door and takes off her sweater, revealing a black tank top.

“Shh.” Delphine reaches out for her shoulders, is this what she wants? She lays a kiss on her forehead, squeezing her arms and pulling her into a tight hug. Cosima, for her part goes willingly. The brunette buries her face in her neck, and after a moment or two, holds her back.

She’d guessed right, and though she’d refused men for wanting the same thing, she’s inclined to give this to Cosima. Tenderness, who would have thought that was what she needed? Or that Delphine herself would be willing to give it.

“Lie down with me.” Delphine urges, guiding Cosima back towards the bed, moving to hold her in her arms. A strange thing, perhaps, but no less necessary than sex to some people.

“This feels nice.” Cosima tells her, reaching out to touch her hair, let her hand stroke down her back.

“Cosima.” Delphine smiles stroking her cheek in return. She’d managed somehow, to remain endearing, though perhaps that would change in such close proximity.

“Are you going to charge me extra for this? “ Cosima laughs. They are fully clothed and cuddling, and Delphine wonders if she should be laughing too.

“Non. Of course not, this...this is nothing.” She responds instantly. She could, but she simply doesn’t want to with Cosima. Why charge the girl for something she’s happy to do for her?

Cosima looks at her, eyes wide and face open, vulnerable. “Nothing?”

“Why do you do this?” Delphine finally asks aloud what she's been wanting to for weeks. “You’re attractive. Intelligent. You don’t have social issues… you could find a real girlfriend.”

“I'm terminally ill.” Cosima says curtly. “This way I don't hurt anyone. And I can forget sometimes. I feel like we're actually friends. You’re just that good.”

It’s a long moment before she responds, the genuine sorrow she feels at this news filling her. That, that is too much. And far too sad.

“We are friends.” Delphine answers. She won't be taking anymore of Cosima’s money. This will be the last time, she thinks. Leaning in to give Cosima a quick kiss, she doesn’t anticipate the impassioned response. Instantly, Cosima is responsive, clinging to her and she kisses her back, hard.

She kisses back patiently for a few minutes until Cosima breaks away sheepishly.  
“Sorry… it just feels too weird to pay you to do that. I mean, I know I could… but.”

“Shhh. Stop.” Delphine pulls her in to cuddle again, “I’m not charging you extra for this. I want to do this.”

She hugs her close again, but it is time to end this arrangement. At least for a while.

* * *

 

She’s not even there for Cosima, she’s with Aldous. He’s insisted on taking her out for breakfast on Sunday morning, and as he’s paid for the whole weekend until noon, she has to let him.

Privately, she checks her clock. Waiting down the minutes until she’s free to go.

She catches sight of a familiar red coat and dreads, her head turning to meet Cosima’s with a smile. It’s been six weeks since she’s seen her, and she loves the way the small brunette beams at her. Why hadn’t Cosima tried to book her again? Had she given up on their...arrangement? Privately, Delphine admits to herself that she had missed her, missed her company.

“Do you know each other?” Aldous asks, noticing her noticing. Her eyes are drawn to Cosima and even though he’s entirely self-involved, Aldous isn’t stupid.

“Yes.” Delphine simply smiles. She offers no further explanation, taking a sip of her coffee, her breakfast mostly finished. Her poker face is usually better than this, her falsified expressions. She’s slipping, Delphine worries briefly.

He leans back in his chair, looking between the two women. “Oh this, this could get interesting.”

Delphine shakes her head, why he would want to bring that drama upon himself she’ll never know. “She knows.”

“So she knows… well, she’s coming over.” Aldous pauses to drink his own coffee, gearing up to enjoy the show. As if he expects this all to end in drama or tears.

“Hi Delphine… are you busy?” Cosima looks us over, it’s clear she knows what is going on, probably wondering how well she is being compensated for this time.

“Non… Aldous, we are done here?” Delphine decides it’s a good a time as any to make her escape. Even if he paid her more, she wasn’t interested in more sex with Aldous. Not today. Not when Cosima wandered in, giving her the near perfect opportunity. After all, if Cosima wasn’t paying for her time, she could try to ease this into the real world.

“Yes. Hello Miss Niehaus.” Aldous greets Cosima, “Interesting to see you out of the lab. I’m wondering, how do you know... Delphine?”

“Oh you know, around…” Cosima shrugs.

“She hired me. She’s my next appointment. Have a lovely day, Aldous.” Delphine stands, gathering her belongings, enjoying the shocked and intrigued expression on Aldous’ face as she grabs Cosima’s hand and leads her from the restaurant. She is sick of listening to that man speak about himself. The sex, by itself, was usually tolerable. But the constant droning she couldn’t stand.

They’re halfway down the block before Cosima stops her, pulling back on her hand.

“You know… I’m not paying for this.” Cosima shuffles her feet, looking up at her hopefully through glasses. “Would you like to go out with me? Won’t be as fancy, but I’d like the company.”

She observes the small young woman, feeling the same pang of tenderness for her again. “I want you,” Delphine stops deliberately, “to take me home with you.”

Cosima’s eyebrows raise, a curious smile forming on her face. “Seriously?”

Perhaps it’s not the right thing to do, maybe it’s still a conflict of interest, but she wants to. And maybe that is enough.

* * *

 

It’s a small apartment in an older house, Cosima leads her through the door and up the stairs.

“This is it.” Cosima offers, swinging open the door. It’s warm and full of books, a curtain separating the sleeping area from the rest of it. She wonders again where Cosima is getting the money for hiring escorts, even without the sex. Running up her credit cards? A gift from a friend? Or does the brunette simply prefer to live modestly?

“It’s adorable.” Delphine assures her. Yes, yes this would do.

Cosima seems almost jumpy, body humming with a nervous energy. “What do you want to do?”

“Run a bath.” Delphine instructs, reaching out to stroke Cosima’s hair. She could do this… this… this could be so easy.

“Did you just… nevermind. I don’t want to know.” Cosima moves wordlessly to her bathroom. “He works at some crazy company. They try to recruit at the university all the time. I had to take one of his classes.”

 

“He must be an intolerable professor.” Delphine laughs, “he is difficult at the best of times.”

She hears the water turn on, and she begins to slide out of her clothing. It’s more formal than anything else she’s worn with Cosima. She takes her hair down, fluffing it back out as best as she can with her fingers, before stepping into the small bathroom in only her underwear.

Cosima gasps when she sees her, sitting against the edge of the tub. Still mostly dressed and looking anxious.

“Go on, get in.” Delphine urges her, watching as Cosima undresses. It’s not scary certainly, a woman’s body. Stimulation is stimulation, and she’s sure she can manage to do that for her.

“You sure about this?” Cosima asks as she steps into the water and lowers herself down.

Delphine lowers her voice purposefully, “oui.” She places herself on the edge of the tub, hands reaching for Cosima’s shoulders, she touches and squeezes at the skin, not deep enough for a true massage. She continues to touch Cosima lightly until she leans back, reclining in the tub. She watches her body shift under the water.

“Are you going to get in?” Cosima asks after several minutes have passed. She removes her underwear in response, that is the plan.

She steps into the deep clawfoot tub, allowing Cosima to tug her in closer. The warm water surrounding them a delight. It doesn’t feel too strange.

“I'm going to kiss you now.” Cosima warns, “tell me if you don’t want it.”

She lets Cosima kiss her mouth softly, it’s so gentle and tender she finds herself smiling into the kiss. She breaks the kiss, and moves herself to sit behind Cosima, positioning them front to back.

“What are you doing?” Cosima’s voice asks uncertainly. She pulls Cosima back onto her lap, who giggles, then tenses.

“Forget who I am. Forget how you met me.” Delphine instructs, her hands roaming down. She stimulates her, finding her already partially swollen, she teases at her sex while she kisses her neck.

“Comme ça?” She moans, “let me do this for you.”

“Okay… Delphine.” Cosima mumbles her name, leaning back against her and sighing as her free arm goes around her body.

She never expected to find this so arousing, but as her hand works between Cosima’s legs she groans. Cosima’s body arching back against hers as she toys mercilessly with her clit. Even in the water, she can tell Cosima is getting wetter, getting closer. Cosima squirms, leaning back against her and it’s surprisingly sexy. All of it.

Cosima’s orgasm nearly surprises her, although it’s her goal, the little moans become quieter and quieter, her mouth opening wordlessly as she arches back, shaking on her lap. It's quiet, until a low soft moan emerges from lips she wants to kiss.

Delphine cannot deny the heat she feels with Cosima panting on her lap, her smaller body stretched out on top of her own.

Cosima turns to face her as soon as she's caught her breath, kissing her enthusiastically, like she would a lover, someone dear to her. She throws herself into it, kissing back just as passionately, slipping her tongue into Cosima’s mouth to be sucked on.

Just as abruptly, Cosima pulls away. “Shit. Sorry… I just forget. Is any of this even allowed?”

“Kiss me.” Delphine insists, urging Cosima to return to the same rawness as before.

“Let’s… go to bed.” Cosima offers, next time there's a lull in kissing.

It’s her turn to be nervous, “I… I never slept with a woman before.”

 

“Well,” Cosima swallows, grinning at her, “so far you’re doing just fine.”

Cosima’s bed is a mess, even as she permits the small brunette to push her down on the bed she notices. But as soon as Cosima has clambered on top of her, it stops with another deep kiss, and another. Those ever moving hands are still moving, but now they run over her own body. Teasing, tempting, as if she needs further stimulation.

“I want to be inside you…” Cosima’s panting into her ear. “But… do you really want it?”

“Yes!” Delphine guides Cosima’s hand down, “you can feel it… feel my want.” And it’s true, this arousal, this wetness is genuine. She hears the brunette whimper as she touches her wet heat, fingers probing through flesh that is clearly aroused.

Cosima enters her gently, “oh baby… I didn’t think...oh.”

“See?” Delphine coos, kissing her forehead, “you do this to me.” She has definitely reached the epitome of hand-holding, having to coax Cosima through this. But she doesn’t care, she just wants more of Cosima. Cosima’s pleasure.

“I need you to want me.” Cosima whines at her, dark eyes examining her face as she presses in deeper, closer.

“I do…you can feel it… I want you deeper.” She’s delighted by the push of Cosima’s fingers, she adjusts position, hiking up one leg, to get her deeper. To make her fingers fill her.

For a few blissful minutes she thinks of nothing but Cosima thrusting into her, Cosima’s lips pressing to her own, or to her skin. She watches the brunette wander her way down to her breasts, tracing them with her tongue. She watches her nipple vanish into Cosima’s hot mouth, but it's the brunette’s reaction that has her gasping and pushing upwards.

It’s an unproductive activity, Delphine realizes, despite her enjoyment. This isn’t going to make Cosima come, and it could take a long time. How much energy does Cosima really have? She’s ill, so isn’t it better to keep this short? Conserve her energy?

She considers faking an orgasm, it is status quo, helps to get things over with. But...Cosima will be able to tell, somehow Delphine just knows it.

“It’s okay.” Delphine tells her instead, moving into Cosima’s thrusts. She reaches a hand to Cosima’s head, stroking at her hair, the roughness of the dreads a new experience to go along with the softness of her lover’s body.

“What’s okay?” Cosima mumbles up at her between sucking at her nipples.

“I don’t care if I come…” Delphine moans finally, she’s getting closer, yes but it doesn’t matter. This feels good, better than she’d imagined. It was more than enough.

“What?!?” Cosima looks up from playing with her nipple in surprise. The brunette stills inside her momentarily, “what do you mean?”

“I wanted you inside me… and I have it.” She tells her softly.

“Well… I do!” Cosima shakes her head and begins kissing her again, moving down.

No… she can’t possibly be going to... Delphine gasps when a hot tongue flicks at her clit, again and again as fingers continue their slow, gentle thrusts. It's all so tender, so gentle that she's not sure how to reciprocate this.

“Mmmmm.” Cosima moans deeply, happily, continuing to lick her as if she’s the most delectable thing on the planet. Her nose is pressed to groomed curls, and Cosima seems entirely fixated on her task.

A couple minutes proves enough, she comes hard all over Cosima’s face. She’s crying by the time her orgasm subsides, another flick or two of a tongue has her twisting her lower body away.

“No more…” Delphine whimpers, pushing Cosima’s insistent mouth away from her thighs. “It’s too much.”

“Did you like it?” Cosima asks, moving to lay on her chest. She’s not asking permission anymore at least.

She smiles, stroking Cosima’s head. “Yes.”

“You’re too good to be true.” Cosima tells her with a sad smile. “You really are.”

“Non.” Delphine sighs again, “no, I’m not.”


	2. Slipping Under

“What do you want from all this?” Cosima lounges next to her in bed. “I mean, you already know I’m dying. So no long term commitments, obviously.” 

“I want to be with you.” Delphine offers. “I want to be your lover for the rest of your life.” Rest of Cosima’s life. How long was that now? Months? Years? What exactly was she committing to? She knows enough about medicine to know that if it were days or weeks, Cosima would be in far poorer condition.

“That, that I can do.” Cosima laughs. “But… umm are you still going to work?” An inquisitive head tilts in her direction. For a moment, she unsure how she should answer. She hadn’t had a relationship in years, and integrating that into her life could become, complex.

“I’ve cut back a lot.” Delphine responds honestly, “my dissertation is demanding more and more of my time.” Stopping? No, she wants the income. Needs it, really. What else could she do before academia took over completely? Before the planned-for post-doc took the place of this work.

Cosima goes very quiet for a couple moments. “Okay.” She calls quietly. “Okay, we’ll do this.” She nods as if to confirm this. “What now?”

“I want to spoil you.” Delphine cuddles into her skin, kissing her forehead. “I want to take you out.” She looks around the messy room, surely they could get dressed and go do something.

“So… not just lovers then.” Cosima murmurs, “you’re talking dates and a relationship?”

“Does it matter what we call it?” Delphine smiles, “I want to go out with you…We can get dressed, have dinner.”

“I think I like that.” Cosima whispers back in the dark. “I’ll just have to take my meds first. So glamorous.”

Cosima pushes herself up out of bed with surprising agility, but the container she pulls from her desk drawer has pills sorted for the entire week, the compartment she opens is quickly emptied and swallowed with water, before Cosima digs in her fridge, grabbing an apple to take her medication with.

“That many?”

“Yup.” Cosima nods.

She’s unsure she wants to know exactly what is wrong with Cosima. Cancer? An autoimmune disease? Kidney issues? Does it matter?

“I am going to take you out,” Delphine teases out the words as she pulls on her clothes. Dressing in as alluring a way she can manage. She smiles at Cosima before she continues, “to the most expensive sushi restaurant in this city.”

“Seriously?!” Cosima balks, laughing, still naked. She may be the sex worker, but as she watches Cosima roam around her apartment as she finds whatever it is she wants to wear, she doubts she has ever had that sort of nonchalance about her own body. There’s no show, no nothing, just a body.

“First, I want to shower…” Delphine gestures, then backtracks. “But you can go first.”

“Umm let’s just shower together…” Cosima lowers her voice purposefully, her own brand of seduction.

Delphine shakes her head, “no. I only shower alone.” That is her time, her space and she is not willing to let Cosima into it. Sex is one thing, bathing together is… another.

“Fine. I’ll just… go first then.” Cosima shrugs, swallowing her pills and taking a liberal bite of apple. “Then the spoiling can begin.” She continues with a mischievous smile.

**

The fact that she’s spending his money on her, gives her an odd satisfaction. She has plenty of it, after all. Her one bedroom in Montréal is… well, easily paid for. And she continues to work and save.

She orders for them, the chef’s choice. And dish after dish of impeccably plated plated sushi arrives. Each creation more delicious than the last. She picks it up with her fingers, she’s never been great at chopsticks, which she watches Cosima wield like a pro, happily popping the latest raw fish creation into her mouth, full lips closing over the chopsticks as she withdraws them.

“This is amazing.” Cosima grins at her, when they are finally reduced to drinking tea across from each other, a small plate of fresh fruit the last thing to arrive at the table.

“Good. I wanted it to be.” She’s been here before, working. But this, this is new memories made. Laughter and smiling, and the way the patrons just look over them, as if two women out for an early dinner is just commonplace. And perhaps they don’t read them as lovers, but she’s not read as a whore or a sugar baby either.

“I… I really like being with you, Delphine.” Cosima toys with a piece of pickled ginger. “There is just one thing I want to know.”

“Anything.” Why keep secrets from a dying woman after all?

“Is that your real name?”

“Yes.” She answers with a slow easy smile. “Delphine Cormier.”

“I just… I just wanted to be sure.”

“I do use fake names, but not with you. Never with you.” Delphine assures her. This is authentic, this is as… true a connection as she’s ever had.

“Good.” Cosima answers, as if she’s not truly sure what to believe.

“Here,” Delphine holds out her hand. “Hand me your phone.”

Cosima rummages in her purse briefly before handing it over, only taking a moment to unlock it.

Delphine quickly enters her information into contact. Her real name, her own cell number, not the pay-as-you-go cheap cell she uses for work.

Cosima gives her a sweet half smile as she takes back her phone, dialing the number instantly, pleased when she hears ringing from her own purse. “It works.”

“It does.” Delphine smiles with satisfaction. “Now, do you want to take me home?”

The brunette tilts her head. “You don’t have anywhere else to be?” She asks, circling her fingers around the small mug of tea in front of her.

“Non…” Delphine finds herself turning on the charm, the act, despite herself. “I don’t take the train home until tomorrow.”

“Take me home.” Cosima says after a long pause, observing her as if she can see through the façade.

**

It’s a giddy climb back up the narrow stairs that lead to Cosima’s apartment. But once inside, she merely smiles and closes the door. This part, this is easy.

“Come here…” Delphine grins, pulling Cosima back into her arms, she pushes her down on the bed, letting her fingers slowly work the zipper on her dress.

“You’re really into me, aren’t you?” Cosima is smiling back at her, watching and shrugging herself out of her clothes.

She only smiles in response, pulling Cosima’s dress over her head before pushing her gently backwards. Lips meeting and clinging, little gasps of breath, building the desire between them once again.

Delphine grins into increasingly passionate kisses, pleased to just be… enjoying herself.

It’s ridiculous, but she finds herself on top of Cosima, excitedly groping her between the legs. “Oh…” She sighs softly at the feel of her new lover, at Cosima’s excitement. She pulls Cosima in for another kiss, and then another as she works her fingers inside of her.

She’s surprised at first how much noise Cosima makes. Little gasps and intakes of breaths, low little moans. It’s not loud so much as different.

“Is this good?” Delphine asks softly, keeping her movements steady, insistent.

Cosima answers her in a low breath. “Yeah…”

Cosima’s responses please her, a little moan and arms that cling to her more tightly, she thrusts her fingers again, deeper, more firmly. The warm, wet feel of her. Slickness that closes itself around her probing digits.

She’s an addict, as bad as her clients… only it’s Cosima’s enjoyment that she’s after. But her fixation on being inside, on fucking, the small brunette surprises her. She starts making her own little noises, not even thinking much of it until Cosima comes laughing til she nearly chokes.

“Oooh. You’re a loud one Cormier.” Cosima giggles again, shifting her hips back until Delphine withdraws.

And she wants to smile back, to tease, to continue this and enjoy the day. But something catches her eye, hand still on Cosima’s inner thigh, reluctant to give up this intimate territory altogether.

“Blood?” Delphine looks down at the smear her fingers have left on Cosima’s bare thigh. Her fingers too, are tinged red.

“It’s fine… happens sometimes.” Cosima grins. There’s no apology in it. All completely matter-of-fact. “If it bothers you, we can avoid penetration.”

“Did I hurt you?” She suddenly concerned, biting her lip.

“A little… but it was good.” The brunette reassures her. “If it was really bad, I’d stop you.”

The reality becomes clearer, Cosima is sick. This, all of this, is incredibly temporary. Whatever thoughts lurk at what comes later, what comes after, are quickly pushed back down.

“I’m sorry.” She’s not really sure what else to say, before she lays a soft kiss on Cosima’s cheek.

Cosima squirms and smiles before asking. “Is this… like pity sex?” The mood shifts, rendering them both vulnerable against burgundy sheets.

“Do you care? You hired an escort.” Delphine shoots back without thinking before she stops herself, and Cosima by grabbing her by the arms. “Non, Cosima. I want to do this… I like doing this… it’s a ...wonderful surprise.”

“Until I die on you.” Cosima subs in unhelpfully.

“Yes,” Delphine nods, “until then.”

**

She wonders if she’s starting a new habit, leaving Montréal earlier on Thursdays and rushing to Cosima’s as soon as she arrives in Toronto. But she’s fixated. She wants her. And it’s thrilling. The entire train ride, she’d fantasized, remembered, to the point that her face had been flushed the greater part of the journey.

She hadn’t even stopped at the hotel, though she’d picked up the card key. She was too eager to get here, to get to Cosima.

“Come here, come here…” Delphine breathes, during one particularly speedy greeting. As she draws Cosima in, she wants her now, before she works.

“God…yes” Cosima lets her head fall back as her own lips trace an increasingly familiar path up her neck her to her ear lobe. She captures the tender lobe and teases it with her teeth, her tongue, before sucking gently.

Cosima’s noises are something else altogether. She’s used to grunting and groaning, even the moaning of her clients at times. And before that, from boyfriends, and lovers and even a couple one-night stands. But Cosima, her sounds… they shudder down through her own body, increasing the terrible heat between her legs.

Her bag is dropped near the doorway as she pushes Cosima back, towards the bed. They don’t have much time. She has somewhere to be Friday morning, but she doesn’t want to think about that now. Just Cosima.

“Wait… wait what do you want?” Cosima babbles up at her from the bed once she has her pinned. She rolls her hips in response. Pleasing Cosima, teasing her, this has all become so easy. Cosima’s hands respond, running up from her hips as they slide under her shirt to cup her bare breasts. The brunette grins madly at this discovery.

“I want you to make love to me… feel you so deep inside…” Delphine smiles up at Cosima, encouraging her passion. It’s true, she enjoys this. Even as she delicately removes Cosima’s skirt, tossing it onto the floor as she traces a finger along the thin fabric of striped panties.

“But first, I want to eat you out.” Delphine moans, moving with the gentle motions of Cosima’s hands. She finishes stripping the brunette,

“Really?” Cosima cocks an eyebrow at her, even as she’s pulling her tank off over her head, her jeans are left on, for now.

“Yes!” It’s Cosima’s pleasure she’s after, she could not care less whether or not she enjoys doing it. She assumes she won’t, but it cannot possibly be worse than blow jobs.

She ducks herself down between Cosima’s legs, finding herself face to face with a swollen and clearly aroused sex.

Cosima looks down affectionately, “You okay?”

“Mmmhmm.” Delphine hums affirmatively, not trusting her words. Surely she can figure this out, make this good for Cosima.

She licks her happily, the taste is much better than she expected, and it’s oddly arousing. She leans back in for another taste, and then another.

“You are delicious.” Delphine looks up at Cosima in amazement to find her lover grinning madly at her. “I had no idea... “ She moans again as drops her mouth, returning it to the slickness of her lover’s sex.

She eats her out, delightedly, enthusiastically and is rewarded by more noises, by Cosima’s hands stroking over her head, her shoulders, tangling in her hair. It seems, perfect, for the moment. And no chances of hurting Cosima, or making her bleed. And she’s wet, so wet, she swears she’s pulsing by the time Cosima comes.

Afterwards she flops back on the mattress, mouth and chin still sticky with Cosima’s fluids, with her arousal. Cosima doesn’t move for a long time, barely opens her eyes with a ridiculous grin on her face.

“What?”

“I just… I wasn’t expected that. Especially so fucking enthusiastically.” Cosima laughs again, “You’re just so sexy…” Cosima grins at her, pulling her in.

“I have to go.” Delphine apologizes, looking at the clock radio next to the bed, “I… I have a client at seven, and he’s not one… well let’s say he doesn’t waste time.” She thinks that gets the point across.

“Oh…” Cosima turns awkward again, and perhaps there is no way around that. Unless she does something incredibly stupid for her.

“I ...I can come back, but it’ll be close to midnight.” Delphine suggests. That should give her more than enough time to clean herself up and change. Come back here just to sleep next to Cosima.

“Okay… Honestly this is all… a little much for me sometimes.” The brunette admits, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

So soon? Delphine wonders. After less than two weeks Cosima feels the strain of this?

“I understand… if you don’t want me to come back after, that’s fine.” Delphine nods. After all, hadn’t that been her own thought nearly? Having Cosima first.

“No… god no… I want you to come back. Just like, text and I’ll let you in.” Cosima assures, dark eyes meeting her own as she squeezes her hand.

Her heart jumps, and she tries to quash it back down.


	3. Chapter 3

It had taken longer than she would have liked to escape her client and bathe, she scrubbed the meticulously applied makeup from her face, she wanted to look like herself with Cosima. Not some sort of, caricature of a woman.

She dresses, more formally than she’d like, a smaller bag in her usual overnight bag for these trips. Clothes for her time with Cosima, satisfied that her client is gone, she pockets her earnings, and leaves the hotel.

Delphine is amused the way patrons in the lobby eye her as she leaves. She often wonders if they know what she’s been up to. If they’d want to watch. Or pay for her services. Or toss her in prison. It doesn’t really make a difference, she acknowledges. The only opinion of this work that matters, is her own.

Men look, she knows, but the only people still on the street are the ones going to and from various bars. Or each other’s homes. She makes her way to the nearest subway stop,transferring once, on her way to Cosima’s apartment. More people mill about in student areas, but no one pays much attention to her at all aside from a glance or two.

She texts outside the door, and it takes longer than she expects for Cosima to rise from bed, to struggle down the stairs. She’d been asleep, Delphine realizes with a twinge of guilt, she’d woken her. For what? Comfort? For the preference of sleeping here with Cosima versus in the hotel room she’ll be entertaining a client again come tomorrow night?

The brunette seems tired, her eyes fogged behind her glasses, but she waves her up the stairs behind her. Cosima is still in her pajamas, and hasn’t even bothered to put her shoes on. Cosima stumbles back up the stairs to her apartment door, and Delphine follows, slipping off her shoes near the door before following Cosima to bed.

“Hope you don’t mind cuddle and sleep.” Cosima throws back over her shoulder, “I’m pretty worn out right now.” To emphasize the point, Cosima lets her body weight drop back on her mattress, cover pulled down and burgundy sheets exposed.

“That’s fine.” Delphine assures with a quick touch to her shoulder, she strips down, not seeing a point in pajamas, though Cosima wears a nightie that was probably supposed to impress. It’s sweet, on Cosima, but she thinks if she had been the one trying to impress it would have been a farce.

“Was it Leekie?” Cosima’s voice asks in a muffled tone against her pillow, even as she moves to spoon the smaller woman.

She halts, it hadn’t been. Not tonight. But what would she say then when it is? Will Cosima ask every time? Does it truly matter? She briefly considers crossing Aldous Leekie off her client list, after tomorrow. But would that be enough to satisfy Cosima?

“No.” Delphine decides on honestly, finally. Lying to Cosima wasn’t a option, though glossing over the truth certainly remains one.

“OK.” Cosima mumbles back, pulling an arm over herself to spoon. Her lover’s legs are bare, and she presses into them, wanting more contact.

A few moments of blissful silence follow before her lover speaks again. “Can you at least tell me he’s a lousy lay?”

Her last client? More likely Leekie, Delphine thinks. Exasperated, she sits up in bed so she can look down at Cosima’s face, but it’s not cheeky, it’s vulnerable.

“He is not a ‘lay’, none of them are Cosima. It’s a job. I go in dressed like they want me to be be, let them take me out if they want to, and then sex, always with a condom.” Delphine adds, thinking she might as well be clear on that part. “And then I get paid.”

“Do you like… doing sex work?” Cosima faces the ceiling, looking back at her intently.

She sighs, laying back down, “I don’t mind it.” She’s never been enthused about it, that much has always been a fiction, put on for her clients like the fake names. Brigitte. Eloïse. Sibylle. Anything that sounded French and sexy enough, while remaining pronounceable. She thinks briefly of telling Cosima that it is on par with housework or laundry for enjoyment, but then thinks better of it.

“Do you get off on it?”

“As in orgasm, or being desired?”

“Orgasms. Obvs.” Cosima adds with a hint of sass, but is this supposed to be flippant? Or is this important to her? Delphine supposes she’ll never know for certain.

She laughs, how could Cosima be so naïve? “No. I do not have orgasms with clients. Never have.” She’s good at faking it, but adding that now doesn’t seem like a wise decision. She doesn’t want Cosima to doubt her arousal with her, to think for a second that she hasn’t been genuine, or genuinely pleased.

“And being desired?” Cosima turns to face her, fingers reaching for her face, brushing slightly damp hair out of her face.

“You cannot appreciate desire where there is no… respect.” Delphine settles on a word finally, “I don’t care much for them, nor do they care much for me. It’s an illusion. A fantasy they pay for. Not me. I’m just… the one doing the job.” In a way, it’s better than the attentions of a boyfriend, that was suffocating. Delphine reminisces, because then when the sex remains as enjoyable as doing laundry it becomes much more complicated.

“And... my desire?” Cosima looks over her body with sleepy eyes. There might be lust in that glance, but far too much fatigue to follow through.

“Oh… that I want.” Delphine assures with a soft kiss to sweet lips, followed by a peck to the brunette’s forehead. Cosima does respect her, Delphine thinks, even if her ‘second job’ provides a bit of a pause.

It’s quiet, til Cosima falls asleep, but she remains awake a while longer trying to remember why she wants to make such a mess of her own life.

**

It’s not quite light out when she stirs again, Cosima’s olive complexion near entirely in shadow. But her lover moves, awake and curling into her with reaching hands and eager lips.

She lets her, warm slow kisses that gently pull her body from sleep, hands that seek out erogenous zone, teasing arousal from her.

“Cosima…” She moans, only once before rolling her over, before claiming lips with her own, tongue seeking and teasing.

“Fuck yes…” Cosima breathes, seeming better now, as her hands remove her own nightgown, tossing the sheer garment to a cluttered floor.

It’s still so new, Cosima’s body, a woman’s body, under her hands. When Cosima draws her hand to her breast she doesn’t resist, but lets herself squeeze gently, toying with her nipple she drops her mouth to it, wanting to learn her lover’s body this way. How odd that she’d eaten Cosima out, and hadn’t done this yet? She flicks her tongue against a turgid nipple before pulling gently on it with her lips. Delphine lets her mouth release, moving to Cosima’s sternum, and down. Slowly moving over it with her mouth, cataloguing everything. Cosima’s little sounds, her movements, her taste.

“Hey… wait…” Cosima urges, pulling Delphine back up to face her, “like… let me… I want to.”

Fingers toy at the swollen lips of her sex, though she’s uncertain if the ease of entry is due to her own burgeoning arousal or somehow... leftover lube. But she’d showered, and as Cosima moans into her mouth on the next kiss, another rush of heat runs through her body down to her sex.

Cosima strains upwards, fingers thrusting up and in, and it becomes clear what she wants Delphine to do. She moves her hips, riding her, sitting up and drawing Cosima with her, Cosima who dances kisses across her own chest, whose free arm wraps around her as they continue.

It’s… delight, Delphine thinks, rolling her hips down into Cosima’s hand, biting her own lip as fingers graze her clit, bringing her closer to the edge. She whimpers openly, clinging to Cosima with both arms.

It’s a rush, as much as the orgasm when she finally crests, head tipping back as she moans softly. A slow rush of breath, she flashes a silly grin down at her partner.

“Wasn’t that tricky.” Cosmia smiles back, slowly moving to withdraw.

“Stay in…” Delphine whines, legs locked around Cosima as she continues to ride her fingers. Encouraging Cosima to crook her fingers, to move differently.

“Oh god…” Cosima murmurs back, her voice tired, fatigued. “Again?”

But, she doesn’t disappoint. Neither of them do.

 

**

Delphine grins to herself as she slips out of a university building. Her meeting with advisors had gone well, everything was according to plan. She looks across the campus as she walks, this double life of her was something. She’d achieved a bit of a ice queen reputation while continuing sex work out of town, it was almost ironic.

The phone in her pocket rings, the chimes clearly indicating that it is her own phone and not her work phone.

“Allô ma chérie,” Delphine smiles into the phone. “Did you get my surprise?”

“My god… yes!” Cosima seems excited, happy about this step. Tickets to Montréal hadn’t cost her much to send Cosima here by train, she could have flown her but there are other things she wants to use that money for.

“You can see me… my real life.” Delphine offers. Delphine the grad-student, Delphine à Montréal. Not just, Delphine between sex work gigs. This would be better, for both of them. More normal.

“They’re for Tuesday.”

“Is that too soon? They’re refundable if you want to change the date.”

“No. God no. I just, like, are you sure you won’t get sick of having me crash your style for five days?”

“Not at all.” Delphine smiles warmly into the phone. This, oh she was looking forward to this.

**

She meets Cosima at the train station, who is standing in the middle of it looking lost as ever across the lines of people queued for their trains, or toting their luggage to the well appointed food court.

There’s crowds here, tons of people, but she wraps her arms tightly around Cosima, taking note of the new dark plum sweater, even as she leans down and kisses her brazenly, after all, why shouldn’t she?

“I like the sweater.” Delphine smiles, after she’s relinquished Cosima’s lips and begins guiding her to the relevant metro stop.

“Thanks.” Cosima grins, back taking her hand with her free one, pulling her smallish suitcase behind her on wheels. “The train was actually pretty nice, though you could have splurged and gotten me business class tickets.”

Delphine stops, immediately pondering if Cosima was right. If she had somehow shortchanged her by selecting economy class for her travels, denying Cosima the free wine and better meal options that she’d had on the rare occasion she’d travelled business class herself. She’d usually written it off as an unnecessary expense.

“Delphine, it’s okay, I’m joking.” Cosima reassures her, pulling her from her worries.

“I just… I want to take good care of you.” Delphine smiles. And she does, she still wants to spoil and treat Cosima, lavish affection on her, please her.

Cosima merely smiles in response, “You do.”

Her apartment is modest, a simple 3 et ½, but Cosima is impressed. She’d chosen the older building with the exterior walk up stairs, mostly because she liked it. But Cosima noticed everything, the block with similar triplexes, every person on the street, her own wide windows with visible white curtains, her bike locked to her balcony next to it.

“Delphine, this is gorgeous.” Cosima exclaims again, wandering around taking note of the hardwood floors, the well-furnished cozy rooms.

“I rent, I can only take credit for so much.” Delphine offers, placing Cosima’ suitcase down by the bed. “How have you been feeling lately?”

“I’ve had a couple bad days this week, but I’m better now.” Cosima responds succinctly. Bad days, she’d yet to see one. And Cosima just spoke of them with a shrug. She wonders if she’ll see one now, if five days together will let her in deeper, to know more of Cosima and her illness.

“Should we go for dinner in the old port?” Delphine offers. It’s not that close to where she lives, but they could take the metro, walk along the old narrow streets, let Cosima play tourist.

“That sounds, really nice. You have something in mind?”

“Something good.” Delphine assures. She wasn’t going to take Cosima just anywhere, or spend too much money for poor quality meal, regardless of the romantic location.

**

She sighs contently from her seat at her desk, she’d done little more than answer emails and work on fixing her references in her dissertation. The file really was too long, but trimming it simply isn’t an option. She didn’t have much this week, aside from dissertation work, it really was the perfect time to have Cosima here.

And they’d enjoyed it, the city, each others bodies - though less than she would have liked. Cosima hadn’t had a bad day, but she tired easily, and it seemed too much adventure outside, no matter how engaging, led to less energy left for lovemaking. But she didn’t care, Cosima was here, in her home.

She tries to get through the last email from her editor, approving the changes to her dissertation, but she’d been so distracted. So wrapped up in Cosima to want to think much about anything else.

When she looks over, Cosima is laying on the floor, reading one of her many books. A quick smile graces her face. The sunbeam coming in from the window making her look nearly angelic.  
“Hey, Delphine, can you cook?”

“A little, I can follow recipes.” A home cooked meal, here with Cosima, sounds like the best idea she’s heard all day. Even though they’d gone to the biodome, wandered close to Mount Royale, but stopped short of climbing it, Cosima already being too fatigued.

Cosima stretches out, as she rolls over, reaching her arms above her head and yawning.

“We’ll look up recipes, and then go to the market, get what we need.” Delphine tells her with another smile. This was perfect. Her real work. Her life here. Cosima here.

It hits her then, how very much Cosima means to her. How something so simple could make her so deliriously happy.

She’s fallen in love.


	4. Chapter 4

She grins, even as she tears up from chopping onions, as she adds them to the pan to sauté. Cosima working her way though other vegetables, before finely slicing mushrooms for their sauce.

“I like this. Just this. I don’t need fancy, not all the time.” Cosima assures her with a kiss to the shoulder. “This is enough for me.”

And it’s more than enough for Delphine herself. Maybe they both want this to just be normal. To take walks and drink tea, to watch Netflix and cuddle up on the couch, to eat overpriced takeout and try new recipes.

Love. She wants to laugh, or cry. Why now? Why with Cosima?

She remembers too well the first time someone told her he loved her. She’d felt trapped, she’d wanted to run. She’d only slept with him out of curiosity, her teenage self eager to understand why her peers were so obsessed. The results, at first, were disappointing. So she tried again, and again, repeating the experiment with the same partner. Seeing if it would get better, if her desire and attraction would grow in response.

It hadn’t. Delphine scoffs at her naïvety now. She should have known better, realized that just because she had just been experimenting, learning about sex, doesn’t mean they both were.

Instead, Mathieu had told her he loved her. The love of a teenage boy had been the last thing she’d wanted. Though, she thinks now that he meant it, probably. But she’d refused to sleep with him again, and didn’t try with another boy until university, thinking that might be better then. That she might attach, might desire.

Instead, her heart flutters at the touch of Cosima’s hand to her wrist. Love, the word remains unsaid.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I’m good. I’m happy.” Delphine assures her with another gentle kiss. “Let’s get this sauce simmering and I’ll make you some tea.

She gets Cosima back onto her couch, and returns to the kitchen to finish up the last few things herself. It’ll be a later meal, but that wasn’t unusual here at all.

“Are you feeling okay?” Delphine eyes Cosima’s paleness, her eyes seem off somehow. And her fatigue frightens her.

“Well, it’s not a great day, but it’s not a bad one either… though… tomorrow could go either way. So if you want to put me on a train back to Toronto, I’d understand.”

“No. I can take care of you here.” Delphine says briskly, she won’t have Cosima leaving, or arguing with her.

The kettle chooses that moment to shriek, until she removes it from the heat and lets it sit a moment, spooning tea leaves, a tisane really, into the metal strainer sitting in a mug.

“Cosima. I want to know your disease. I want to know exactly what is wrong.” Delphine states firmly, looking over to find shock in dark eyes.

“Like, right now?”

“Yes. Now.” Delphine pours the boiling water, leaving it to steep as she returns her attention to her sauce, stirring it gently. Maybe if she doesn’t look this will be easier.

Cosima looks her straight in the eye, brown meeting hazel. “Lupus.”

“Systemic? That isn’t necessarily fatal.” Delphine tries. Perhaps, Cosima had exaggerated. Maybe a chronic illness that wouldn’t necessarily end in death, after all, in this day and age most people with lupus could live normal lifespans. Drugs were getting better and better at treating it without damaging the kidneys. Perhaps, with proper medical attention and better doctors, Cosima could live a normal lifespan.

“Well, my kidneys are, not fantastic. But it’s my heart they aren’t happy with right now. Premature cardiovascular disease. Fun, huh? I haven’t responded well to treatment, to the point where my doctors have essentially told me they are just prolonging my life.” Cosima reaches into her bag and shakes her pill organizer once. “Hence all this stupid medication. I mean, there are a few other things, but it’ll probably be heart failure in the end. I’ve already had one minor stroke last year, one more of those could end things pretty fast.”

“How long?” Delphine wonders aloud, moving over to the couch to wait for the tea to steep.

“I don’t know. I mean,” Cosima’s hands go up in the air, fingers spreading out as she shakes her hands, “I could have another stroke and like, die tomorrow. Or it could be six months, next year… I could have another flare up. There’s a lot of uncertainty, but my lifespan will … it won’t be normal, and I probably won’t make it to 30, nevermind 40.”

“They never really know,” Delphine agrees, “not until it’s weeks or days.” There could be time, maybe even years spent with her Cosima, if she wanted to.

“Not that I expect you to stick around … if I end up kicking the bucket at like… 31. I mean, that’s probably longer than you had in mind.” Cosima shrugs it off, “come and cuddle.”

“Tea first,” Delphine returns to the kitchen to extract the tea leaves, presenting the mug to Cosima immediately upon her return. She didn’t know too much about lupus, other than what she’d briefly read during a phase of obsession of learning about autoimmune diseases. Arthritis? Does Cosima already have that? Raynaud’s? Skin problems? The fatigue, she has that certainly.

Cosima gratefully accepts the steaming mug, taking a long sip. “If you want, you can bail out at the next flare up.”

“I won’t.” Delphine promises softly. “I don’t want to bail out.”

Cosima looks at her quizzically, as if she can assess her in this simple way. “You know, it’s okay if you do. I mean, my college girlfriend bailed when I was diagnosed. I had a couple of other short relationships since, but it’s made it difficult. If it were milder, maybe. You know, be in the 80% that will live a fairly normal lifespan.” The brunette tilts her head in that adorable fashion she has come to love so much.

“I won’t leave you.” Delphine grabs for Cosima’s hand with her own, squeezing it gently. “I want to stay, the rest of your life.”

“And if it’s 2 weeks?” Cosima probes her. Is that really the worst case scenario? Cosima having another more major stroke that takes her out near instantly? Would that be worse than a long slow decline?

“Fine.” Delphine agrees, refusing to release her hands, she stares into her eyes. She must know that she is being serious.

“And if it’s… “ Cosima looks around if searching for a dream number, “three years?”

“Then it’s three years.” She nods as if this closes the subject for now. Delphine wants to ignore this now that she knows, dream of four years, ten years, fifteen. The silly dreams of an idiot in love, Delphine thinks to herself dismissively.

“Are you ...going to want to like actually meet my friends? My parents? If this drags on long enough?” Cosima wonders aloud.

She freezes, even as Cosima pushes herself into her, leaning the whole of her weight on Delphine.

“I guess so… though that could be awkward if you intend to tell them exactly how we met.” Delphine grimaces, that is not what she wants at all. Delphine the escort, is that what she’s told them?

“No… I haven’t really told anyone anything.” Cosima shrugs. “We can tell my friends whatever you like. You know, like we met, became friends, fell into bed…”

A pretty lie, Delphine muses, as she nods her consent. “Alright.”

“What about your family? Your friends? What about your life?”

Sex work had made things more complicated there. There was some camaraderie with fellow grad students, wine and cheese nights with an academic bent, but she wouldn’t really call any of them friends. And if she wasn’t at the university, she was writing her dissertation or ...working.

She could bring Cosima to grad student events, tell her parents she now had a girlfriend. Though, they may be more surprised to hear her sharing her personal life than that she is with a woman.

“I’ll tell my family about you, if you want. My colleagues at the university. Everyone.” Delphine tells her softly. She suspects her scheduler at the escort agency would not be pleased, but perhaps she could keep those two worlds from ever colliding.

 

**

“Not a good day.” Cosima’s first words upon waking are easily heard. They hadn’t made love, not since the first night - and that had been brief and quick. Instead, Cosima swallows more painkillers as she inspects her swollen hands. It did seem mornings and evenings were worse on Cosima. She could catalogue the symptoms, fatigue, painful joints, chest pains - but it wouldn’t fix anything.

Delphine leans in, needing to know this too, the reality of Cosima’s condition. “The hands?”

“No, that’s pretty normal.” Cosima answers, voice slightly strained. “Could do without the chest pain.”

“Do you need anything?” Delphine volunteers instantly. Soup? Stretching? She could fetch her laptop, hang out with Cosima all day in bed.

“I think I should go home.” Cosima thinks aloud. “Just get out of your way.”

“Is this a flare up?” Delphine inquires as she pushes herself up intent on making crêpes, on giving something good to Cosima.

“No, just a bad day... “ Cosima shakes her head, before letting herself tumble back into Delphine’s soft bed. “Arthritis acting up, migraine. I’ll be okay.”

“I’m going to make you breakfast.” Delphine informs Cosima, leaning in to kiss her forehead. Of course, Cosima wouldn’t return her love. That was not the arrangement Cosima had wanted, hiring her for companionship. She suspects despite Cosima’s obvious attraction, that she likes her, love may be just out of reach.

“Can I just lie here?”

“Of course, breakfast in bed.” Delphine confirms moving to the kitchen. She glances over a few times, but she keeps working.

When it’s ready, she presents breakfast to Cosima with a tray. She thinks briefly of running out, of jogging two blocks to the nearest florist to present Cosima with flowers, and maybe freshly brewed coffee, but she thinks better of it.

Cosima looks at the tray blearily. “What’s all this? Like… you made this?” She watches dark eyes survey the tray, the perfect crêpes, loaded with now cooked defrosted berries from the freezer, drizzled with maple syrup.

“Yes.” Delphine nods. It hadn’t been that complicated.  
“Woah.” Cosima allows her to shove a pillow between her and the headboard, and reposition the tray for her.

“Go on.” Delphine encourages, curling beside her.

“Aren’t you going to have any?” Cosima indicates the full plate. “Why only one fork?”

She usually wouldn’t. She prefers to choose less fattening meals, her body is a commodity and she intends to maintain it rather than letting the age 30 spread set in. But she smiles at Cosima, returning to the kitchen, and the extra batter she’d poured into a jar.

“I’ll make a few more.” Delphine calls over. She’ll join Cosima in this indulgence, for the day.

“I want to shower, but I am kind of low energy.” Cosima comments as she returns the tray to the kitchen and rinses the dishes off.

Delphine considers, she removes her robe, and lifts her nightgown up over her head. “Come and shower with me,” she invites. It won’t be about sex, Delphine rationalizes, and she can be close to Cosima this way.

Cosima stares before standing up and following her into the bathroom. She watches as Delphine sets the water temperature, leaning against the cool tile wall as the washroom warms up.

“Do you want to get in?”

Cosima awkwardly removes her nightgown, hands stiff, before stepping under the spray.

She’s not used to this, but feigns confidence as she steps into the spray. Shower sex was never on her ‘menu’, and her clients accepted that. But Cosima merely leans against the tile, allowing the hot water to drip down her body, hopefully easing the aching of her hands.

“Come here,” Delphine croons, soaping up her hands before reaching under Cosima’s arms. She bathes her, enjoying the feel of Cosima’s slippery skin under her fingers, of Cosima’s weight when she leans back against her under the spray.

She feels more than mildly aroused by this, Cosima naked, wet, enjoying her touch. It’s not the time, Delphine tells herself, waiting until Cosima decides to break away.

She leans into kiss her once, softly, before stepping out and reaching for a towel. She watches her dry off, perhaps too much.

“Are you going to stare or towel off?” Cosima teases her, managing enough energy for that.

She blushes, but laughs it off, before joining Cosima back on her bed. She fetches her laptop but her dissertation can wait. It can all wait.

It’s curled up around Cosima, some silly show streaming in on Netflix, that she realizes how deep in she is. Sex may not be something that lasts in this...relationship. But her love for Cosima most certainly will.

**

She’d wanted to be disgusted at herself when she’d been teary at the prospect of putting Cosima back on the train, sending her back to Toronto without her. But she carried on.

When her agency calls and schedules a Friday night job, she agreed. But even as she acknowledged the unfortunate client, seeing Cosima was all she could think about. All she could fantasize about through the week.

She readied herself as usual in the hotel dressing room. Her hair straightened and up, pinned out of the way. Make-up impeccably applied. Aldous would want to take her out first, she knew that. That was his habit after all.

Except she was wrong, the tight dress never left the hotel room, and he was far too curious about the nature of her arrangement with Cosima.

In the end, he’d relented to her vague answers, but managed to bruise her wrists in the course of their evening.

**

She’d wanted to go to Cosima last night, craved it, needed it. But she forces herself to wait til morning, to bathe again, to pick up flowers for her. As if that might stop any questions about where she was the night before in their tracks.

Her heart is always so full when she sets eyes on Cosima. Even the text to let her up to the apartment has her heart feeling ready to burst. The love and tenderness she’s expecting to share, the warmth and comfort of Cosima’s embrace. All of it.

“Allô!” Delphine greets her readily, bouquet of yellow roses held out.”

“Oh god… I missed you.” Cosima leaps at her when she arrives at her apartment, arms wrapping around her tightly. The flowers are quickly placed aside, onto her desk.

She smiles into their kiss and Cosima pushes herself up on the balls of her feet, clinging to her shoulders to get better leverage.

“Delphine… I don’t want you to talk…” Cosima swallows thickly, “just let me say this and then afterwards, if you want, we can pretend I never did. Okay?”

“Alright.”

“I love you.” Cosima closes her eyes, burying her face in her neck, clinging on for dear life. “I love you so fucking much and this is killing me.”

Her full heart shatters into pieces, eyes stinging with held back tears. “Cosima…”

“No. Don’t, just let me finish please.” Cosima begs her, voice muffled. “I just need to love you. I need you to let me...”

Unable to think of what else to say, if Cosima would even let her say it, Delphine grabs her by the face kissing her soundly. She tries to pour in her love, her desire.

She begins to remove clothing, Cosima’s and then her own, guiding Cosima back towards her bed.

“No.. that’s not what I meant.” Cosima mumbles between kisses as her bra is discarded. “Just let me love you.”

“I will.” Delphine breathes, laying a series of kisses down Cosima’s body. I love you too, she thinks.

Her mouth reaches her prize, burying her face in Cosima’s want, as she laps and sucks. She’s getting better at this, she realizes, Cosima reacts faster, moans more, grips at her hair as thighs clamp around her ears.

Yes, Delphine thinks, come for me, mon amour. She’s in too deep, far too deep. Losing Cosima is bound to devastate her now. Maybe she should move to Toronto, live with Cosima. They could get a little apartment, or a condo - she had enough money, even if Cosima didn’t. They could have a life together. She could do this to her everyday.

Cosima comes, and she cries, tears dripping down her cheeks onto Cosima’s thighs, even as she moves to adjust her weight, not to rest it on Cosima’s ailing body.

“Wow…” Cosima breathes heavily, looking down at her. “Not quite what I was planning, but… very very good.”

“Good.” Delphine nuzzles her cheek. “I’m happy you enjoyed it.”

“Enjoyed is not strong enough a word…” Cosima breaks off. “Was this supposed to be a distraction to keep me from finishing what I was saying?”

“No. It was a reaction.” Delphine responds honestly. “I needed to have you.”

“Why though? Why me? Why any of this?” Cosima gestures wildly in frustration. “What is this to you?”


	5. Chapter 5

It’s not that simple, Delphine realizes as she stumbles to answer a post-coital Cosima. “Because… I …” She doesn’t want to tell her. Not like this. Not during sex. Love? Need? Is there even a difference anymore? Is there anything she wouldn’t do for Cosima?

“You what, Delphine?”

 

“Not like this…” Delphine breathes out. “Don’t make me tell you like this.”

She’s been near constantly mulling over her feeling for Cosima. Wishing she could pull them from her brain, turn them over and over in her hands until she understood. Is it Cosima herself? Because it is temporary? Insanity? Or… is it Cosima’s female body? Is that it?

“Like what?” Cosima sits up, crossing her arms over her bare breasts. “Naked? In bed?”

“Yes.” Delphine nods. This isn’t how it is supposed to be. It’s not about sex, and she doesn’t want to say it now.

“Tell me.” Cosima insists.

She never wanted to do this, and saying it out loud will only make things worse. “I love you.” Delphine offers quietly. It almost sounds like she’s ashamed to admit it, and she doesn’t want Cosima believing that.

“Is this a game?” Cosima wonders aloud. “Like has anyone ever paid you to say it?”

“No, this is nothing like that. I want you, I want this.” Delphine assures her. “That is work. It’s nothing to me. I promise.” Love was not what her clients were after, and certainly nothing she had wanted. Even if someone had asked, she wouldn’t have. That wasn’t the job.

She’s pushed backwards all of a sudden, more roughly than she expected. Cosima moves to straddle her hips, still bare. She hadn’t expected Cosima to feel so...strong. Not now.

“Cosima…” She looks up at her, vulnerable. Maybe that was the way Cosima wanted her. Not the lie, not the fantasy. Just Delphine, the girl in love.

“Shhh.”

It’s rougher than she might like, but she’s kissed again, hands groping at her body. Is this passion? Jealousy? She can’t be certain.

She’s kissed again, “I love you, Delphine.” Cosima tells her softly, before moving over her, reaching down between her legs to enter her as quickly as possible.

Cosima’s free hand interlaces fingers with one of her own next to their bodies, but if she notices the fresh bruises on her wrist, Cosima says nothing.

“I want you to love me.” Cosima whispers, voice low and wavering.

Delphine offers softly, “I do…” She adjusts position slightly, but only to pull Cosima closer, to wrap her legs briefly around her. She kisses her cheek, and for a moment it’s enough. Tender and real.

She’s taken then, there’s nothing else to call it. Cosima adding another finger, and another as her body opens, as she becomes wetter. And she feels embarrassed, so used to feeling like she should be tight, that is the ideal she’s strived for, what men like. But Cosima just grins and keeps moving her fingers steadily into her, curling and stroking til she comes.

She’s still coming down before either of them speak again.

“I love you…” Cosima coos at her, after she rolls her over to spoon.

“I love you too.” She responds, “Je t’aime.” She adds for emphasis. She’s not truly tired, but she lays holding Cosima until her little love falls asleep.

This may be the biggest mistake of her life, and she doesn’t care.

She knows Cosima wants her to stop, even if she never asks. Like something out of a movie. The whore finds love and abandons her means of livelihood. She’s not totally dependant on her sex work, she could stop… but why? Why deprive herself of the easy cash flow?

Then she looks down at Cosima, sleeping peacefully next to her, body curling towards hers even in sleep. Why cut down on their time together further? Why take that time away from them both?

Delphine sighs, “Je crois que je dois arrêter.” That is it, the decision is made. She’ll inform the agency she’s done, carry out her final booked appointments and refuse to take more clients after that.

Cosima sleeps soundly, surely she doesn’t need to know. Not now.

**

She clambers out of bed, only to begin cleaning Cosima’s apartment. She washes the dishes in the little sink and puts them away in the cupboard. She wipes down the counters. Sweeps the floors. She inspects the fridge, and wrinkles her nose at the meagre offerings. They will have to do something about that. The more she thinks about it, the more she likes the idea. Moving here for the spring term. Getting an apartment. Living with Cosima, for whatever time they have left.

She calls her agency. Something she promised herself weeks ago she’d never do in Cosima’s presence. But Cosima snores softly from the next room, completely unaware.

“Hi Delphine. I was actually just about to call you.” Bev answers the phone, her usual cheerful manner.

She feigns surprise. “Oh?”

“Aldous Leekie wants to book you for three days again… next weekend.. And Landon Hess wants to book again as well. And your IUD is set to expire next month, get it removed and replaced, send us the bill.”

IUD. She'd been so distracted by Cosima she'd forgotten. She should have already made the appointment. Had it been three years already? She’s already been through this twice.

“Fine.” Delphine offers. “Last two clients, one night each, and I'm giving notice. I'm ready to be done. “ Two weeks, it wasn't that long. She could tolerate this much, before devoting her spare time to Cosima, to loving her, to caring for her.

“I thought you'd be with us another year or two… Is your dissertation just getting to be too much? Do you just want to take a break? Six months or so?” Bev offers alternatives. “Of course, if you want to resign, we can do that too.”

“No.” Delphine tells her clearly. “My career in academics is gearing up, the dissertation is coming together and I am really ready to be done this.”

“Okay, so we make your giving notice period two months...then we'll let you go. “ Her madam offers. “Sorry. Price you pay for popularity… we'll start advertising other girls to your clients in the meantime. “

Two months? Delphine shudders, she doesn’t even want to work two more days. “There are younger girls, I am sure no one would complain being sent one of them instead of me.” Surely youth would play in their favour. They’d probably even prefer it eventually.

“It’s hard to get someone else to take your regulars, Delphine. You have 13 semi-regular clients, among them frequent flyers like Leekie…” Bev offers apologetically. “Two months is the easiest way to transition you out.”

But there is a way to force their hand. “I'm not getting another IUD.” Delphine announces in a fit of inspiration, “I'm having this one removed as soon as possible. I won't be fit to work.” It’s a requirement, reliable birth control, along with condom usage. The strict policy would force them to terminate her employment immediately. Delphine smiles at the thought, she wasn’t afraid of burning bridges. This wasn’t the rest of her life after all. And although she didn’t look it yet, she’d be 30 in less than a year. Maybe it was simply time to stop for that reason alone.

“Delphine, please be reasonable. I won't force you to stay, but I'm asking you to wait.”

“I’ll have it pulled out on Monday.” Delphine says on an inspiration. Surely she could persuade some doctor here to remove it. It was nearly expired.

“Okay, two weeks it is.” Bev concedes the point, “I just hope we can find other girls to take on your regulars…”

“You will.” Delphine assures her. There’s nothing she can do for those men that anyone couldn’t do.

**

She feels lighter, and returns to cleaning. Bev had given up fairly easily after she realized she’d yank out her own IUD tomorrow if it meant getting to quit sooner. She finishes cleaning the kitchen before setting in on the bathroom, before she is struck with inspiration.

She googles quickly, Toronto is a big enough city that there might be something open. Finding success - and wanting to prove to Bev and her agency that she is dead serious, she checks the wait times, writes Cosima a note and heads out.

It’s a walk-in clinic, but removal isn’t difficult usually. She’s been through this before. It can’t take that long, though she’ll have to wait her turn.

“I want my IUD removed, it’s due to expire.” She informs the nurse at the counter. She feels insane, why now? Why on a Saturday? Why not wait til Monday? Or make her own doctor in Montréal do it? She knows that answer, her Montréal MD knows how many sex partners she’s been having, and is likely to refuse point blank to let her leave her office without a new IUD inserted. Here they don’t know her, they don’t have to know and it can be done quickly.

“Well, that’s not urgent… it’ll be a wait, about three hours.”

“Then I’ll wait.” Delphine informs her. She pulls out her phone, she’s done this in Toronto before, last time. Only the agency had made her an appointment for insertion and removal.

She knows she shouldn’t, but she researches lupus. Experimental treatments. Alternative therapies. She looks for something, anything that might buy Cosima more time. She skims articles on drug therapies, reads about raw food vegan diets, anything. She’ll try anything.

She loses track of everything. The crying babies. The man hacking into his hand in the corner. The teen girl who seems too terrified to be here for anything but a pregnancy test. She focuses only on Cosima, only on anything to help her.

“Delphine Cormier?” Another nurse calls her name, and waves her to the backroom.

“Yes.” She stands, following obediently.

“So you want your IUD removed?” The nurse chirps brightly. “I take it you and your boyfriend are taking the plunge?” The nurse, Natalie according to her nametag, is too cheerful.

“What plunge?” Delphine looks back at her quizzically. Why is this much conversation required before they drag out the speculum and the tweezers?

“Parenthood.” The nurse smiles, “Dr. Cameron will be in soon, she’ll remove your IUD… I hope you took some kind of painkiller before coming in. Advil?”

“No… and yes.” Delphine shakes her head. This woman does not need to know about her personal life. Certainly not about sex work, and she’d rather not bring up Cosima either.

“Then why are you having it removed? I really think it should stay in.” The nurse looks at her exasperatedly, “the side effects get better - and it is a very effective form of birth control. Give it at least six weeks.”

Delphine looks back at the nurse blankly, “It expires in less than a month.”

“Oh.” The nurse checks the chart again. “And you just want it out now?”

“Yes.” Delphine responds affirmatively, trying to sound as confident as possible. She certainly didn’t need it anymore. She wasn’t going to be having sex with anyone but Cosima - as soon as the two weeks were up.

“Well… would you rather make an appointment?” Natalie offers, “we can get another IUD in for you - and insert a new one as soon this one is removed. No break in the birth control that way. Or we could start you on the pill, and then have it removed in a week?”

“That won’t be necessary.” She tries again. “Just pull it out.” There was no reason for this to be this complicated.

“What kind of birth control will you be using?”

“None.” Delphine wonders why this has to be so difficult? Surely other women have done this for similar reasons.

The nurse shakes her head at her. “Not smart, we need to find a new method for you if the IUD isn’t working for you anymore.”

“No we don’t.” Delphine reiterates becoming more frustrated. “Because I am only going to be having sex with my girlfriend now.” At least, somehow, no one had asked her how many sexual partners she’d had in the last six months. Answering 12 isn’t something she wants to do just now, nor will it help with her case. Every time she’d asked she’s always tempted to lie, she hasn’t yet though. Despite the looks she receives during her physicals and regular STI testing.

“But you were having sex with men before?” Natalie assumes. “I think you should stay on it, just in case.”

“Yes, but not anymore.” Delphine concedes. “In case of what?”

“You never know…” Natalie shrugs. “Why risk pregnancy at all? Do you want us to do a PAP and a swab while we’re up there?”

For a moment, Delphine feels intense empathy for any lesbian or bisexual woman who has to wrestle with her doctors around this subject.

 

The doctor proves equally irritating, trying to dissuade her even though her legs are already up in stirrups, lower body exposed. It’s only after threatening that she will pull it out herself, that they concede and remove the device.

“If you have sex, make sure to use a condom.” Dr. Cameron reminds her, “and you can always come back in and get a prescription… or from your family doctor in Montréal. Also, you said you haven’t had a period in years, so that could happen pretty quickly, fertility usually comes back fast for most women.”

 

“I will keep that in mind next time my girlfriend and I go to bed together.” Delphine snarks calmly, having given up on politeness for the day.

The doctor appears to disregard her, “you may bleed for several days, it’s normal. You might want to wear a pantyliner.”

“Thank you.” Delphine responds, trying to encourage the doctor to leave. Why did this have to be so complicated? There’s not as much cramping this time, she thinks as she redresses, perhaps it is for the best.

**

  
She cannot get back to Cosima fast enough, but she forces herself to stop at the hotel to retrieve the rest of her things, the room isn’t booked for her as of tonight. She picks up tea for Cosima on impulse, something she thinks her lover would enjoy.

Cosima grins when she opens the door. “Hey, where’d you go?”

“Out.” Delphine smiles. She offers Cosima the paper cup of gourmet tea, “this is for you.”

“Oh… another client?” Cosima wonders aloud.

“No… nothing like that.” Delphine brushes it off. “Didn’t you read my note.”

“Yeah, I just thought you’d be back sooner. You can tell me.” Cosima sighs, “I’m getting used to this… like I’d rather know.”

“It wasn’t a client. Just, a medical appointment.” Delphine surmises, not willing to give everything away when she’s unsure of how Cosima will react. She hadn’t scheduled other jobs this weekend, she’d intended to spend it with Cosima. Maybe that should have been different, and maybe it’s too needy, but she doesn’t regret the choice.

“Oh… safety first, I guess?” Cosima smiles half-heartedly. She puts the tea on the desk, out of the way for now.

It’s nearly 7 pm, she’s been gone far too long.

“I was gone longer than I thought, I am sorry.” Delphine pulls Cosima into her arms, kissing her soundly.

Her attentions are returned gently, before they reluctantly separate. Cosima holding her hand, with fingers interlaced.

“I thought you’d be like...escorting again.” Cosima laughs, “do you want to get some dinner? I don’t want to cook and there’s like this great Ethiopian restaurant not far… it’ll be fun, and different.”

“I’d like that.” She smiles back, stroking Cosima’s cheek. The nap had done her lover good, that was certain.

It’s not til they kiss again that Cosima grabs her wrist. “Shit… I … wait, I didn’t do that.” Realization dawns on her lover’s face. And it hurts to watch.

“No, it wasn’t you.” Delphine confirms Cosima’s suspicions.

“Fuck.” Cosima looks at her pleadingly, “you let one of them hurt you. Like, he shouldn’t get away with it.”

“Cosima… I am just bruised. It’s nothing, I’ve had worse.” Delphine tries to be reassuring, instead Cosima appears horrified.

“Who did this to you?” Cosima’s anger peaks, throwing her hands up in the air. “This isn’t okay.”

Delphine responds softly, trying to calm her. “Cosima, it was an accident.”

“Like hell it was…” Cosima scoffs.

“Mon amour, forget it, let’s just go to dinner.” Delphine cups Cosima’s face in her hands, “come on, Cosima, let it go.”

It takes a few more moments of soothing for Cosima to agree, to follow her.

**

She walks hand in hand with Cosima through the city, she doesn’t want to let go, not at all. Toronto, being Toronto, no one notices or cares.

Outside the door of the restaurant she pauses, holding Cosima outside by the hand.

“What?”

“I love you.” Delphine whispers simply. This, after all, was a much better way to say it.

“Come on, you French sap.” Cosima giggles, “let’s get something to eat.”

And they eat, and throughout the meal, she watches Cosima sop up wat with injera, lets her love extend food to her own mouth. It’s natural, it’s normal. But can she even have normal? Is she capable of it at all?

Finally she decides to break the frivolity, “Cosima.”

“Yeah?”

“How would you feel if I spent more time in Toronto?” Delphine asks cautiously. She leaves out that she has already been browsing apartments for rent with the two of them in mind.

“Like… seriously?”

“My dissertation can be done remotely for a while…” Delphine offers. “I just need to finish out the term, and it’s nearly April now. I could… get a place here, for a while.”

“Wow. That is a surprise.” Cosima blinks back at her, as if assessing this change.

“How do you feel about it?”

“I don’t know… I mean I’d love to spend more time with you.” Cosima assures her quickly. “But, like moving here for a while… that’s… it may not be worth it, for you.”

“But you want me here, in this city?” Delphine clarifies.

“God, yes. Please.” Cosima admits, looking down at her food again. “I kind of, have a surprise for you too.”

Delphine smiles, “You do?”

“Yup.”

“What is it?”

Cosima merely raises her eyebrows and grins. “You’ll see when we get home. I mean, back to my place.”

Home, is that what they are creating here? Delphine wonders as she insists on paying the bill herself and lets Cosima lead her back out into the mild March night.

“Where is my surprise?” Delphine asks after removing her coat and shoes, she sits on the bed, leaning back.

“Wait here.” Cosima tells her, swishing her hips playfully as she disappears into the bathroom.

It doesn’t take Delphine long to clue in. It’s that sort of surprise. Cosima will emerge, likely in lingerie and take her again. And she is excited by the thought, someone doing something nice for her.

But when the door swings open to the bathroom, Cosima is nearly nude, except for a black nylon harness with a red dildo attached.

“Oh.” This time her surprise isn’t feigned. Delphine assesses the situation. She hadn’t asked for this… is this something Cosima really wants? Or is this some sort of misguided attempt to please her?

And she doesn’t want a cock. Doesn’t want any cock, but Cosima stands there, having spent the effort to get into a harness, with a decent sized dildo strapped between her thighs. It’s not large, Delphine decides, but it’s adequate.

“So…?” Cosima thrusts her hips teasingly. “You like it?”

“Yes..” She’ll do it for Cosima, who seems to be delighted and hopeful…

“Kay’.” Cosima smiles and leans over her, working the buttons on her blouse. She lets Cosima undress her, kiss her.

It’s strange to have a silicone phallus poking into her leg while making out with Cosima, while she caresses her lover’s body. She tries not to laugh, and she succeeds until Cosima is reaching over her, into a drawer.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting lube?” Cosima offers innocently, one hand in the drawer of her nightstand.

“Non… I don’t want to use it with you.” Delphine knows too well the smell of it, or how it smells of nothing at all. “Just touch me, it’ll work.”

And Cosima’s fingers finally reach for her, and so much of it is the same. This is what she wants, just this, Delphine thinks as fingers part her, moving gently inside of her, drawing pleasure from her body and more wetness from within. This is what she likes.

But of course, it ends, Cosima withdrawing her fingers, and readjusting her position.

“I wanted to do this for a while now.” Cosima admits, “I have the energy tonight… so I’m pretty excited.”

And she knows she will go along with this, spreading her legs, letting Cosima gently slide the toy inside her before withdrawing slightly to thrust in again. It’s gentle, at first. Letting her get used to it. She wraps her legs around Cosima, strokes her hair as they continue and this can just be quiet. Delphine assumes she’ll come eventually, or Cosima will begin to touch her as well to get her off more quickly.

It seems however, Cosima has a game in mind.

“Who do you love?” Cosima demands softly.

“You, Cosima.” Delphine answers on the next thrust, firmer than the last.

 

“Who do you want?”

 

“You.” As if there could be any other answer.

“And my cock?” Cosima grins at her, thrusting down gently again.

“It’s the best I’ve ever had.” Delphine responds without thinking. And Cosima looks down at her annoyed, because it feels like acting. She’s doing this for her. And yet it’s true, she’s never been happier to do this. Even if she is regretful not to have Cosima’s fingers instead.

“Are you doing this for me?” Cosima mumbles between thrusts.

“Yes… I want to do this. I want to be with you.”

“Yeah?”

“I want you and your perfect little cock.” Delphine says, starting to enjoy it. It is afterall, just a harmless game, for now.

“Yeah? Little?!” Cosima pouts.

“The best part is that you’re attached to it.” Delphine pulls Cosima in for a crushing kiss, joining the rhythm with her, hoping to please.

Cosima gets faster, thrusts harder, and it’s good, for a while. She whispers to her, promises that she knows her love can’t really understand. That she will stay. That Cosima will have whatever she likes. That… that they’ll find a way to buy more time. Borrow more time, whatever it takes to be together.

It’s not going to work, Delphine thinks as Cosima continues thrusting on top of her, but she’s losing momentum. And she knows, unless fingers are brought into play, she is not going to orgasm like this.

“Non, let me…” Delphine disengages herself and rolls away from Cosima onto her side, she leaves her legs open enough and gestures with her hand.

“Oh… like a spooning position?” Cosima follows suit, moving to bring her body back into contact, full breasts pressed against her own back.

“Yes!” This will work, she thinks, the slow steady stimulation of it as Cosima eases the toy back in, the position stimulates her perfectly. But as the thrusts quicken again, she knows she has to slow them down.

“Slower.” Delphine holds Cosima’s hip with her hand. “Hard and fast will not make me come.” This she knows all too well.

Cosima follows her lead, “Anything.”

Each slow thrust hits her perfectly, and she’s close and when Cosima moves to bring her hand down between her legs, she stops her shaking her head.

“Keep going.” She instructs softly, smiling to herself at how this feels, at how well this was working.

Cosima’s hand pressed against her sex from the other side, barely able to stimulate with her legs together like this, and another slow thrust sends her hurtling over the edge, shaking as she crests.

“Oh…” Delphine sighs before beginning to laugh, the toy is still inside her, for another moment or two, before Cosima withdraws it, fussing with the harness until she can throw it onto the floor.

“That was fun.” Cosima buries her face in her shoulders from behind. “Thank you.”

 

“It was.” Delphine admits.

“I think your period is like starting though, FYI.” Cosima kisses her shoulder again.

“Just spotting.” Delphine rolls to face her, she doesn’t need to tell Cosima that. Doubts that Cosima ever realized she had an IUD, the strings were cut short on purpose. No client had ever felt them.

As she moves over Cosima, flipping them over, her hand going to enter her beloved, who just smiles and sighs, Delphine admits it to herself; she wants forever.

**

It doesn’t take long to find an apartment, another two weekends spent with Cosima, enjoying her company and looking, and she moves the next month.

Semi-furnished. Close to Cosima’s, by subway anyway. She’d sublet her own place in Montréal to a young professional. It had been easy. Delphine thinks as she continues to unpack her kitchen stuff. Her bedroom already set up, couches due to arrive tomorrow. Cosima would have to see it when she was done. And then, she’d drop the final bomb. _Move in with me._ Delphine imagines saying. She’ll find a way to convince Cosima that would be best, for both of them.

And it will work, Delphine thinks, glancing around her new apartment, she can remotely finish her dissertation. She can use this time to better take care of Cosima, to treasure every day.

The phone interrupts her fantasies of domestic bliss. The unknown Toronto number confusing her for a moment, she picks it up anyway.

“Allo?” Delphine speaks into her cell.

“Hey, I’m just calling to tell you Cosima had a stroke.” The voice on the other end is unfamiliar, thick with emotion, as if the caller is trying not to cry.

“What?” Delphine’s voice echoes into the empty room of her new Toronto apartment. “Who is this?”

“My name is Sarah, I’m a friend of Cosima’s. She left a list of people to contact.” Sarah continues awkwardly, as if she’s resigned herself to the task. “You were listed right after her mom, and now you know so I will keep on calling people.”

“Sarah… is Cosima still alive?” Delphine’s heart beats wildly, if Cosima survives this, she’ll stick to her side as long as she can. She has to live, she has to.

“She’s in the ICU, you can try to get in if you want…” Sarah rattles off the details, before hanging up, somewhat abruptly.

Delphine drops the box she was unpacking, this is trivial, unimportant. Instead, she grabs her purse and new keys as she rushes out the door.

She doesn’t remember how she got to the hospital. Barely remembers crying to reception, begging to be told where Cosima is.

She is told to wait outside the ICU, only family is allowed in, and she, she is not family. A few people stand around, or sit on chairs provided. All waiting for something. For news. To be allowed in.

“I’m sorry, I cannot let you see Ms. Niehaus.” The nurse apologizes again, at the sight of her tearful face.

Delphine is unable to stop crying. “Can you tell me if she’s still alive? If she’s stable?”

The lanky young man leaning against the wall regards her, before laughing in the back of his throat.

“You know Cosima?”

“Yes, I’m Delphine, her… girlfriend.” She’s never said the words aloud before. They feel strange in her mouth, but so true.

“Delphine.” He eyes her up and down, “so you’re the whore.”

She feels as though she’s been slapped. Cosima had told. Just this young man? All her friends? Her parents? Her face burns in shame. She feels betrayed, but she has to focus, she needs to know if Cosima will live.

“Woah… anyway I am the one who found her.” The young man informs her. “Felix.”

“Do you know anything?”

 

“I’m just waiting for her mother to show up, I know they’ve called her. They won’t tell me shit either.” Felix scoffs at her.

She sobs again, unable to do anything else.


	6. Chapter 6

Delphine doesn’t leave, she sits back and largely ignores the young man she must assume is some friend of Cosima’s. He doesn’t volunteer any additional information, nor does she ask. They wind up waiting for hours, not bothering to speak to each other, or anyone else besides the nurse.

Finally a tired looking woman appears, she seems to be in her mid-fifties, and her eyes and nose are exactly like those of her beloved. Cosima’s mother. It has to be.

“Mrs. Niehaus?” Felix asks first.

“Yes… call me Katherine.” She volunteers, reaching out her hand, “You’re Felix, Cosima’s friend?”

“Yeah… I am the one who found Cosima. Called 911 as soon as I saw her, she was just...off. And I thought, this is it. It’s another stroke.” Felix shakes his head. She watches the two shake hands, it is very much as if they are meeting for the first time.

All Delphine can think is relief, Cosima had been found quickly or she hopes it was quick.

“How is she?” Katherine asks.

“They won’t tell us anything.” Delphine intrudes, “we aren’t family. You can probably get in.”

“And you are?” Katherine turns to face her, holding out her hand again.

“Delphine Cormier,” She offers simply, before adding, “Cosima and I, we’ve been dating a couple months.”

“You’re the girlfriend she mentioned.” Katherine nods slowly. “I’m sorry, I thought you were fictional. Cosima, she doesn’t like worrying us. I thought she just wanted me to think there was someone taking care of her.”

“Us?” Felix is the one to speak now.

“Her father and I, only he’s away, went overseas for his father’s funeral. Still there visiting his brother, his family… he won’t be back for another six weeks.” Katherine sighs. “This is the worst timing, I’m having trouble getting a hold of him.”

Cosima had never mentioned any of this. Her grandfather dying, her father being overseas… How much more did she not know? Had Cosima purposefully kept her separate from her life, did they all know then?

The nurse who comes out notices the change, “Mrs. Niehaus? Cosima’s mother?”

 

“Yes,” Katherine offers, “her friends can hear too… Just tell us what happened. And then I want to see her.”

 

The nurse continues, “Okay, your daughter has had an ischemic stroke, affecting the temporal and frontal regions of her brain. But we got her in here pretty quickly so the doctor did an endovascular thrombectomy…” The nurse stops to check their comprehension.

She’s not stupid, but she blinks at the words endovascular thrombectomy. They’re doing surgery? On Cosima? Now?

“What does that mean?” Cosima’s mother looks around while Felix merely shrugs.

Delphine responds, “it means she’s in surgery.” That much she understands, the specifics of the procedure remain lost on her. It must be some sort of countermeasure. Clot removal, via the vascular system? Wouldn’t that put more strain on Cosima’s heart?

“She’s out now.” The nurse informs them. “It’s done, the clot has been removed. We are making sure she is stable and then we’ll be moving her to the stroke unit.”

“Oh my god…” Cosima’s mom sobs, Felix awkwardly pats her shoulder.

“It was the best option,” the nurse informs them, “you got her in here fast, young man, and this was the best treatment option. She’s young, and she’s a fighter. We won’t know what kind of damage was done until she comes to.”

Delphine, as much as she hates to admit it, knows she’ll be forced to be eternally grateful to Felix if Cosima pulls through.

 

“Cosima has lupus.” Her mother explains, “and premature heart disease. Was this really necessary?”

“I was with her,” Felix admits, “and she just went all floppy on one side… Like garbled and shit. Worse than last time.”

“We weren’t aware of the lupus.” The nurse admits, “but Cosima is stabilizing, I’ll make sure it is noted. Can you give me a list of her medications?”

“Is she awake?” Katherine asks. “Has she come out at all?”

“She’s been sedated. Mom, follow me.” The nurse sighs, “you two go home and get some rest. It’s been a long day.”

“Can I please see her?” Delphine tries once more, only to be turned away. She isn’t family. She isn’t Cosima’s spouse… Here she is useless to her. And the sting of Cosima’s reveal to Felix still stings, she wonders if things could ever be the same between them, even if Cosima lived.

**

She goes home, there’s nothing else to do, but to pick up some takeout for home. She eats, and goes to bed. Delphine has to remind herself that she will not be permitted into the ICU, that until Cosima is transferred she will not be allowed to see her. Even so, she fights the urge to get out of bed, to rush back to hospital and beg to see Cosima.

She barely sleeps, and ends up finishing unpacking around 5 am, sitting down in the centre of her couchless living room. She’d had so many plans. This six month lease, the condo she was already planning to buy with Cosima afterwards. Living together here. Finishing their dissertations together. Taking weekend trips to small Ontario towns, staying at cozy bed and breakfasts, and making love there.

No matter where she took Cosima, Delphine thought then, she would still be sick. But at least they’d be together. She lets herself lay back on the laminate floor, staring up at the boring white ceiling. It wasn’t enough time, she needed more.

“J’ai besoin de Cosima. Elle doit vivre. I love her, I need more time.” She’s not sure if she’s praying or hoping by the time she pries herself off the floor and throws herself into the shower. Or who she’d even be praying to, but perhaps, it was worth a shot.

At least she had internet, Delphine thought as she booted up her laptop on her bed. Typing stroke into the search bar, she begins.

**

She waits only long enough for the rest of her new furniture to be delivered. It’s not much, a couch, a table and chairs, a television which she bats her eyes at the delivery men enough to have them volunteering to wall mount it for her.

When no one calls, she assumes it means that they have forgotten about her, or don’t really care. While she wouldn’t call herself an expert, she knew now.

15% chance Cosima would be totally undamaged. 15% chance that Cosima would die. The rest would leave her beloved with mild to severe impairments, with moderate to severe being most likely at 40%. But she wouldn’t leave. Delphine knew that already, perhaps that surgery would minimize effects.

Either way, she had to keep hoping. What else was there to do?

She returns to the ICU, stating clearly to the first nurse, “I am Cosima Niehaus’ girlfriend and I need to get into see her.”

“Are you her partner? Do you live together?” The nurse responds dryly.

“Not yet… soon, we were going to.” Delphine struggles to hold back her tears. “Please, just let me see her… I can’t just…”

“Family members only.” The nurse shrugs. “Hospital policy, I cannot let you in.”

“Is her mother in?”

“I can’t tell you that.” The nurse shrugs. “I don’t really know...she’s not one of my patients.”

She sits for a couple hours this time, rethinking her strategy. How well would they really check her identity?

She waits again, for a new nurse. The one young and male. Delphine sets a perplexed and concerned expression on her face.

“Can I help you?” He asks, looking over, “are you lost?”

“Yes, I’m Cosima Niehaus’ partner, can I get into see her?” She lies easily. After all, this fiction isn’t such an unrealistic one.

The nurse shrugs, permitting Delphine entry, she walks through the hall, wishing to appear more confident. If she only had a plain gold band to slip on her finger, no one would question her presence here.

She finds Cosima’s room fairly quickly, face pale and eyes closed Cosima is reclined on the bed. It’s empty, either Katherine had left some time ago, or hadn’t arrived yet for the day.

 

“Cosima… I have missed you so much.” She whispers gently, moving to take up the place in the chair next to the bed. Cosima is breathing on her own, she notes, though too many tubes and wires go from Cosima’s bed, to an IV, to various monitoring devices, to an oxygen cannula.

“It’s alright my love, you don’t have to talk back.” Delphine takes Cosima’s closest hand in her own, ducking her head to kiss her hand. That was a concern too, how much would this affect Cosima’s speech? Would she still understand her? Would she be able to write and continue with her dissertation? The only response is the steady beeping of the monitors, the steady breathing of Cosima.

“I am not even supposed to be in here, I lied.” Delphine tells Cosima, as she lets her thumb continue caressing the hand. “I know you told Felix, and…” Delphine lets herself trail off. She’s not happy about it, but she thinks her love is strong enough, she can forgive it. She can go on loving.

“I don’t care who you told. Cosima, I love you. And I will stay.” She promises aloud. “So you need to wake up, and start talking again so you can come home, with me.”

 

She stays over an hour, before quickly sneaking back out, she only catches sight of Cosima’s mother when she reaches the door exiting the ICU.

Surprise plays out on the face that has started to remind just a little of her lover’s, but Mrs. Niehaus smiles warmly at her afterwards.

“Let’s get coffee. Tomorrow morning in the hospital cafeteria.” Katherine invites, “I’ll fill you in, but now I am going to go sit with my daughter.”

She agrees, there is, after all, nothing else to do.

**

“Have a seat, Delphine.” Katherine invites with a wave of her hand, placing a small styrofoam cup of coffee in front of her.

“Thank you.” She offers the pleasantry, taking the cup in her hands, though instead of drinking she toys with the plastic lid. She’s nervous, she’s not sure what Mrs. Niehaus knows, not sure what she’s going to think of her.

“Cosima’s stroke affected the prefrontal and temporal regions of her brain.” Katherine begins, “so far… she hasn’t woken up for longer than a few minutes, they’re keeping her mostly sedated.”

“OK.”

 

“Her speech is affected, I can still understand her though.” Mrs. Niehaus seems far too calm for someone detailing the illness of their child. “Movement on the right side of her body is also affected, we aren’t sure how much yet.”

“But, there is speech therapy… Physical therapy… Cosima can regain most of it.” Delphine offers optimistically. That is a possibility, and she will cling to it as long as possible.

“Yes, but, you have to understand,” Katherine begins carefully. “Cosima is fiercely independent, she, she never wanted to survive another stroke. She… she’s going to be angry, and she’s going to fight it every step of the way.”

“How could… How could she not want to live?” Delphine tears up. Is Cosima’s life that awful? The quality of life, from what she’s seen isn’t awful. Why now? Why when they could be together?

Katherine sighs, taking a long sip of her coffee. “It looks like Cosima is going to live, even if she doesn’t want to. I think she’s more afraid of the slower decline with the heart disease. I’m terrified of it, her father got on a plane this morning. He’s coming home to be with her.”

“That is good.” Delphine nods sadly.

“I think so… Cosima can no longer live on her own, so, she will most likely be institutionalized in the short term, and then we’re going to be taking her home. West coast.” Katherine offers at Delphine’s look of confusion.

“No…” Delphine shakes her head.

“It is the only option, for now,” Katherine sighs. “Just keep telling the nurses you’re her partner. I’ll make sure they let you in.”

“What if… What if Cosima lives with me?” Delphine tries bravely. “I was going to ask her before… and as soon as I can I am going to ask her.”

Katherine stands up, picking up her coffee. “You’re too young to sign up for this. Find someone healthy. You don’t want to be her caretaker, you’ve got a lot of life left. Cosima will understand.” It’s sad, but perhaps, for someone else it would be true.

“I am not leaving her.” Delphine offers calmly in response, taking a short sip of too hot coffee.

“Cosima could survive a decade with heart disease… that is a long time.” Katherine informs her gently. “If we can get her to stop having strokes, which is priority number one. You’re what? Cosima’s age? You have a long life ahead of you, Delphine. Don’t throw it away for Cosima, I don’t think she could live with the guilt. ”

Mrs. Niehaus is wrong, Delphine decides, she doesn’t know her. Doesn’t know her love…. Her devotion. She won’t be leaving. Not as long as Cosima still draws breath.

**

“Hello Cosima.” Delphine steps tentatively into the semi-private room, Cosima had been moved to the stroke unit for now. Which made it easier to sit and visit with her, the reduction of tubes and wires was also a plus.

She still receives no answer from Cosima, who lies still on the bed, chest rising and falling with her breath.

“Your mom told me you were awake. She’s really nice.” Delphine leans over the bed, finally, stroking Cosima’s forehead, her cheek.

“Leave.” Cosima’s speech is slurred, but understandable, “Delphine… leave. It’s… over.”

“No, mon amour,” Delphine responds calmly. “It isn’t over.” She smiles, she can still understand Cosima, and it will only improve, she thinks leaning down to be closer to her lover’s face.

“You…. never…. me now.” Cosima tries again, her eyes watering noticeably as she tries to set her jaw.

“I am not leaving.”

“Can’t.” Cosima looks over at her when she takes her closest hand in her own, her left.

“So you’ll have speech therapy.” Delphine acknowledges aloud. “And maybe physio… if your right side is weak…”

“Doesn’t move.” Cosima smirks humourlessly, the look in her beloved’s eyes is daring her to leave. To walk away.

Delphine pauses, wondering if she should tell Cosima that her mother had announced that she was wiggling her toes obediently this morning for the nurses, albeit with great effort for her right side. “I think it’ll be okay,” She responds finally. Cosima had sensation, she could manage small movements - with effort, there was every reason to believe physio would help.

Cosima’s expressiveness has not changed, the look she shoots her in response. “Crazy.”

“Perhaps,” Delphine responds casually, pecking Cosima quickly on the head. “I am not leaving you, my love.”

Cosima looks back at her blankly, but there is a sadness in her expression that is all too easy to read.

“Cosima, your mother was talking about putting you in an institution…and then transporting you back to the west coast.” She whispers in a low voice, it is necessary that Cosima understands how important this is. “I want to take you home, with me.”

“Like this?” Cosima’s speech falters slightly, but she looks up at her intently.

“Yes.” She tells her simply, dipping her head to kiss Cosima’s palm, a nurse passes by the room, but leaves them alone. “I love you. And I told you, the rest of your life.”

**

The arguments ensue in the following weeks. Of course, Cosima accepted her presence each day, would squeeze her hand back, would accept Delphine’s love and care. Even if she would tell her she was crazy and stumble over words that occasionally told her to get lost.

She knew what choice she wanted Cosima to make, but only mentioned little things, like preparing the apartment for both of them. She’d left out that she’d measured doorways to accommodate a walker, if required. She had been prepared to abandon her new apartment for an accessible one, but it looked like that wouldn’t be necessary.

Delphine had already begun preparing, luckily the building she had chosen had an elevator, she would be able to get Cosima in and out of the apartment. She was running behind, each day she made time to go sit with Cosima. Occasionally she’d catch another friend leaving, Felix, and she’d managed to meet Sarah and her daughter during another impromptu visit, but no one had said much to her.

This time all was quiet outside of Cosima’s hospital room, despite voices arguing inside. She knows that there are cards and flowers, even a silly helium balloon brought in by Sarah’s daughter. Cosima was loved. Cosima had friends here. Of course she’d want to stay here.

She hovers outside of the door, not wanting to interrupt.

“So Cosima, you have a choice.” Katherine spells it out clearly, alerting Delphine as to the nature of the conversation.

One of the doctors chimes in, “Ms. Niehaus, you will be released next week. You will continue your therapies as an outpatient, you don’t need this bed. You need to decide where you want to go.”

“Home.” Cosima says, voice clearer each day. Surely, even a busy physician would understand her.

“You can no longer live alone.” Another female voice pitches in, “but as hospital counselor, I should warn you, your girlfriend will probably leave you. Young relationships don’t usually survive major illness. I’d say the same thing if you had just gotten married, they leave.”

“I know…” Cosima’s voice is impatient, almost haughty. “I want to go home.”

“With me and your father?” Katherine offers. “That is an option, you’re stable enough to fly… I think.”

Delphine takes this moment to step into the room, knocking lightly before she does. Both Cosima’s parents stand next to each other, with a doctor and a counselor in the room. Even Felix lurks in the back corner of the room, uncomfortably as if he had just chosen a bad time to visit.

“Cosima is welcome to stay with me, here.” Delphine offers calmly. This is Cosima’s choice, she cannot make it for her, if her lover truly prefers to return with her parents.

“Delphine,” Katherine pleads gently, “don’t make an offer you are both going to regret.”

 

Delphine responds impatiently. “I won’t regret it.” Hasn’t she proven that much yet? That her love for Cosima is genuine? That her care for her won’t vanish just because she is ill.

The counselor eyes her up, as if she can decide whether or not she is trustworthy this way. “You can’t do this alone, you’re going to need help, you’re going to take breaks…”

“She’ll have help.” Felix speaks up finally. “Sarah and I, we’ll pitch in where we can. Taking Cosima out or whatever…”

She’s shocked by this at first, but realizes quickly, Felix merely wants his friend to stay here, in the city. This has nothing to do with her. Felix hasn’t even spoken to her other than rolling his eyes and saying her name. Not since calling her a whore.

“Stay.” Cosima whispers finally. “I want to stay.” She manages with more effort.

“OK.” Katherine nods, accepting her daughter’s decision, but not before looking at Delphine critically, “you can always change your mind and come back home.”

**

“Here we are,” Delphine calls cheerfully as she holds the apartment door open for a grumpy Cosima, for now, there is a walker, to be traded for a cane when she regains better balance and control.

Cosima slowly guides her walker into the apartment, getting to the couch before letting her weight fall back. “Now what?” Cosima’s right side is still weak, but she seems manage enough to get around.

Delphine looks around, she’s arranged things, even gotten Sarah to box up Cosima’s belongings, which now sit in boxes at the far side of the room. She’d unpacked the essentials, clothing, laptop, and put them where she thinks Cosima would like.

“What do you want?” Delphine offers, it’s mid-afternoon, but for a moment she wonders if she should suggest they christen the apartment. She’d wanted to, as soon as she was moved in, and her research suggested there was no reason why they couldn’t have sex. Maybe, it would be good for both of them. Let Cosima feel desirable, let her feel Cosima...

“Don’t know…” Cosima glances around, “I just.. guess we could unpack.” Cosima finds her words as she goes.

“We could… or…” Delphine sits down next to her, reaching her hand tenderly to Cosima’s face. “We could go to bed.”

“Now?” Cosima looks at her almost scathingly.

“There is no reason why you can’t… why we can’t.” Delphine implores gently.

“I can’t use my right hand…” Cosima gets the words out in a rush. “I… you can’t.”

“Cosima, it’s okay. We can work it out.” She tries to be encouraging. She knows enough, different positions could help, she could be on top and make it easy for her. There are options for them, this she knows. Delphine wonders briefly if she should suggest that Cosima use the harness again, but… it’s not really what she wants. Not if Cosima cannot come from making love to her like that. She wants their bodies together, just their bodies.

Cosima shakes her head, “No. That… no.”

With all her history, with all the experiences of making a show of seduction, she must simply accept this.

“What do you want, Cosima?”

“Just… go... “ Cosima waves her off, before reaching, one handed, for her laptop on the coffee table. She watches Cosima struggle to open it, to position herself and intrinsically she knows, she must do nothing but watch.

“Go where?”

 

“Friday.” Cosima says, after a long pause, looking intently at her screen.

Delphine sighs, she’d forgotten. She hadn’t told her. Maybe it was that she wasn’t sure how. Maybe it was that she was afraid Cosima would reject her. After all, she was just a whore. That is what her beloved had told Felix, and who knows who else.

“Cosima… I… I don’t do that anymore.” She offers tentatively. “I could go get us some dinner, and be back in about 30 minutes, and then we can unpack.”

“What?” Cosima spins her head around confused.

“Your clothes are already in the closet… I gave you half. Do you want Thai food? I could get us pizza …. Or vegetarian takeout from that restaurant you like.” She wants this to be easy, nonchalant. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, but Cosima seems to miss the signal.

It’s too many options, Cosima struggles with words again before just blurting out “Curry.”

“Curry?” Delphine nods, then that is exactly what she’ll get for her. “Then that is what we will have.”

“Delphine…” Cosima leans back so that she is looking at her almost upside down. “Why now?”

“I didn’t stop now. I stopped two weeks before I moved…Gave notice.” Delphine offers as she reaches into the hall closet and pulls out her trenchcoat.

Cosima doesn’t respond at all.

“I’ll be back soon.” Delphine offers, before stepping out and closing the door behind her. What has she done?

**

It’s not til that night, when she slides closer to Cosima in bed that she feels the distance between them. She’s used to being touched, cuddled, adored… instead Cosima shifts away, staring pointedly at the ceiling.

“What is it?” Delphine offers. Is… is Cosima afraid? Is that what is wrong between them now? Afraid she won’t want her like this? Afraid she won’t be able to please?

“Too good…” Cosima looks over at her finally, a half smile on her face.

“Too good to be true?” Delphine offers, remembering those words. “I’m not, I’m selfish.”

“No.” Cosima murmurs, reaching her left hand across her body, just enough to squeeze briefly at her shoulder.

“I want…. Cosima…” Now she’s the one struggling with words. “Cosima, I want you to see another specialist, look into alternative therapies… I have downloaded articles. Experimental drugs. Diet changes… Can… Can we try everything?” Delphine tears up, she’s not asking Cosima to live longer. She just wants to try. Perhaps Cosima’s mom was right, she’d waste seven years, and be in her late 30s by the time Cosima passed, with her ‘best years’ behind her. But did it matter? Did she even care?

“Delphine, stop.” The words fall from Cosima’s mouth clumsily. “Just… let it.”

And to that, there’s nothing to say. If Cosima won’t try. If she won’t even touch her, what will they be?

“Do you… do you still want me?” Delphine wonders aloud quietly. Is this the end, at least of their physical relationship? Is that what Cosima wants?

Cosima turns to face her. “Oh… Delphine.”

Her face is stroked again, gently, and there’s so much tenderness in it, that she has to have hope. At least for this.

She cups Cosima’s hand in her own, kissing the palm, pressing it into her skin. The most contact they’ve had in months. And she wants to reach out, or to simply climb on top of Cosima and insist on making love. But something stops her.

When Cosima is ready, they’ll try again. She decides, merely kissing her lover’s forehead.

“It’s been a long day.” Delphine offers as a truce, “we both need sleep.”

Cosima falls asleep within minutes, leaving her alone in the dark with her thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

They fall into an odd sort of pattern, between living together and Cosima’s many appointments and her own dissertation.

Physical therapist. Occupational therapist. Speech language pathologist. And a social worker. Delphine wasn’t sure she could keep track of them all, though she recorded all of Cosima’s appointments in her calendar the same. Then there were the doctors, the cardiac specialist, the internist, the endocrinologist…

It was enough to make her head spin. And it had only been three weeks. Three weeks of living with a morose and often moody Cosima. There were still moments when she saw her love shine through. When they’d have dinner, sometimes. When she’d lean into her shoulder on the couch during a movie. Early the morning, when she first wakes, Cosima is often exactly the same, smiling at her, shifting position on the bed. More than once, Delphine had been tempted to kiss her awake, to assert herself in obtaining some affection from Cosima. But she holds back.

She makes her own breakfast, preferring to leave out enough for Cosima to do the same when she wakes. She has to use her hands, she has to try, Delphine knows this well. And the more she helps, the angrier Cosima can be. She did not want a replay of the shower seat incident on Cosima’s second day home. The idea had been for Cosima to bathe herself with minimal assistance from a seated position. However, seeing it installed for her use had made her lover feel like an invalid.

Delphine sighs, take a long sip of her tea. Her dissertation at least was going well. Twice a week she got away from Cosima for stretches of 4-6 hours, but she worried relentlessly about her during those times. It was silly, maybe.

“Good morning,” Delphine greets Cosima cheerfully when she cautiously steps into the living area. “Did you sleep well?” She often wonders, does she sleep too much? Is Cosima becoming depressed?

“Yeah.” Cosima answers in a small voice.

She can’t exactly resent Cosima for being...different. Not even for not wanting her touch. The most she’d managed is an occasional quick kiss, a soft touch to the shoulder. Cosima seemed to take these moments and then quickly shrink back from them again.

She watches Cosima make herself toast, avoiding the use of her right hand as much as she could, she opens the jar of peanut butter and then simply stands back, lets Cosima struggle and figure it out.

Was this the new normal? Delphine wonders silently, watching Cosima eat her breakfast. She makes her tea, and places it beside Cosima’s plate. Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, but there’s barely a reaction now. A hum and a small smile.

Delphine stuffs down a half-baked plan of seduction, it’s not the time. She has to let Cosima come to her, let Cosima make that move. Although she could turn up the romance and see if that made a difference.

“So… your mom called last night. How did that go?” She asks gently.

“Fine… they worry… but.” Cosima shrugs. “I told them you’re not after the Niehaus money…”

“What money?” Delphine’s brow furrows… surely she knew that Cosima’s family was paying for some of her complementary therapies. The physio. The therapists…

“Yeah… you don’t even know.” Cosima laughs, an odd sound when you’re no longer used to it. “I have a trust fund.”

“You have a trust fund?” Delphine repeats blankly to added nodding. It answered one question anyway, how Cosima had afforded to hire her services in the first place. And maybe it was all… strained, even with the love she knew Cosima’s parents felt for her. Maybe she’d never know why Cosima didn’t mention her grandfather, why she scarcely spoke of her family at all… but at least there was some openness now.

“I should be paying half.. rent…” Cosima muses aloud, in the stilted way she speaks now when not planning out what she’s going to say.

Delphine changes the subject, towards something more comfortable than this small revelation. “Are they coming back to see you?”

“In September.” Cosima manages the words well.

At least that gives her a few months to prepare, to try to convince the Niehaus family that she was trustworthy, that she wanted to take good care of Cosima.

“Felix is going to take me today.” Cosima says simply, her speech improved, but still stilted, abnormal.

“OK.” Delphine nods, “Both appointments?” She assumes that Cosima and Felix will get lunch, she just hopes it sticks to the intentional diet that she is slowly putting both of them on. Cosima has yet to notice the change, though she assumes it will come up sooner or later. After all, she is willing to try anything.

When Cosima nods, it’s certain she’ll have time. A romantic dinner? That she could throw together while Cosima was out, and still have plenty of time to work on her dissertation.

Delphine bits her lip, sitting down across from her beloved. “Are you… happy?”

“Happy?” Cosima scoffs. Maybe it was depression setting in, maybe it would set in for both of them if this kept up.

There’s still so much tenderness in her heart for Cosima, even like this. But it hurts when Cosima meets her eyes, maybe nothing will ever be quite enough for Cosima again. She never thought this was going to be easy, not since falling in love with Cosima. But she never thought that Cosima would refuse to take comfort with her either.

A knock at the door heralds Felix’s arrival.

“Hi Cosima…. Delphine.” Felix greets them, leaving no secret that he is no fan of hers. “Let’s go…”

“Hi Felix.” She offers, she’s not sure what else to say to the lanky young man, mostly because there’s no way she can think of to recoup any sort of cordial relationship after him calling her a whore.

“Bye.” Cosima offers, leaning in to give her a small kiss on the cheek. It’s not much, Delphine decides, but it’s something.

**

 

She spends the first two hours hard at work on her dissertation, before running out to get groceries. They need food anyways and the recipe she wants will take work.

She hops a streetcar, wanting to pick up a few things across town. Candles. Food. Wine.  
It goes to plan mostly, as she fetches the various ingredients she’ll need, picking up dessert for later - if Cosima ends up wanting it. She wants this to be perfect, maybe this way Cosima would let her love her. Even if only in small ways. Or maybe, the romance would help stoke what is left of Cosima’s desire for her. If it still exists.

She browses the vegetables, selecting only those that meet her high standards, which of course means she’s browsing through the piles far longer than most other people. She’s probably in the way, but doesn’t care. Whoever is coming up behind her can wait an extra fifty seconds for a bag of carrots.

And she wants to get back to Cosima, knowing that she’ll be back from speech therapy soon, Felix in tow. She grabs a bag of oranges, bagging spinach and throwing other vegetables into the cart. Anything for Cosima

A hand grabs her arm from behind making her jump. It’s not her usual part of the city, but it was on her way home.

She yanks back at her arm, but finds that the stranger has a firm grip on her elbow. This is not an elderly person who has simply tripped. Delphine turns around slowly to find herself face to face with Aldous Leekie.

How had he even recognized her? How much attention had the man really paid to her face? She assumed for most of her clients they were far more interest in her body. Though, Aldous was not the typical ‘quickie’ that many of them wanted. Even the returning clients had preferences and fantasies, though perhaps her face became part of it in the end.

“Ah… Hello… Delphine.” Aldous speaks slowly, loosening his grip when he realizes that she is about to panic.

“Aldous.” She comments, trying to be cold, cool. He doesn’t know her name, he shouldn’t know her name. It’s… Cosima’s fault. Cosima had called her Delphine in front of him once. And that, it seemed was enough.

“It’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other.” He comments casually, but for Aldous, this is probably an invitation.

Delphine wants to laugh out loud, instead she remains calm. “Yes.” She hadn’t expected this, though she had made the conscious decision to avoid the financial district - she didn’t want to tempt fate. But Toronto was so large, how had this happened? Is he really brazen enough to start talking about prostitution in front of an old woman sizing up the ripeness of nearby pineapples?

“It’s a shame….” Aldous comments. “Though, if you would like, we could rekindle our business arrangement. Leave out the middleman.” The implication, more of the money would go directly to her, remains unsaid.

“I… My situation has changed, and I am no longer… available.” Delphine decides on a word finally.

“Is there something I can say? The girl they sent in your place… well..” Aldous looks at her implicitly. She doesn’t believe he wouldn’t have taken what he could get. Was it the accent? Her body? Her nipples? Hell she is unsure why any of them would prefer any of the escorts to another, aside from menu offerings. It’s all about the fantasy and who fits it best, that said, she’s certain they could get what they want from any of them.

“Excuse me,” Delphine offers politely, “I need to finish my groceries and get home.”

He releases her finally, noting the public place. “What is so important?”

Delphine sighs, who cares what he thinks about her anyway. “I have to get back home to my girlfriend.” She emphasizes the word, though perhaps it’s a mistake. The last thing she wants is for the thought to arouse him further, to play into his stupid fantasy.

“Cosima.” Aldous repeats after a long silence. “So… she’s not a client. Well that’s... interesting.”

She doesn’t respond simply moves away, and keeps shopping, needing to get out of here as quickly as possible. If Leekie were Landon Hess, for example, she’s certain she’d be fending off an invitation for both her and Cosima to go to bed with the youngish playboy. But Aldous… she’s not certain that’s his angle. Though it very well may be.

She doesn’t care whether or not the thought arouses him, or whether he now think she’s a lesbian. What the hell is the difference anyway? The only thing she knows for certain is that she will not be frequenting this particular grocery store again.

**

She gets home in a rush, to find Cosima alone on the couch, eyes closed and peaceful.

“How was speech therapy?”

“Fine.” Cosima offers, her voice was certainly smoother these days. It was working, that much she knew. She doesn’t ask about the social worker, Cosima never offers any insight, and she does not ask.

“I have a dinner plan for us.” Delphine tells her happily beginning to unpack the groceries.

Cosima sits for a moment watching her before offering. “Do you want any help?”

She smiles broadly in response. “Yes.”

This feels good, Cosima cautiously putting things away. It takes her longer than it would for Delphine to do it herself, but it feels right.

She starts their dinner simmering, while Cosima makes rice. And it feels okay for once.

“I love you.” Delphine whispers softly, pulling Cosima into a hug from behind.

“I know…” Cosima smiles, “this looks...good.”

“Mmmhmmm.” Delphine hums, pulling out the candles for the table. “I wanted to do something special.”

The sweet smile she receives in return is enough, there’s still love here.

Dinner goes well, Cosima smiles at it, grinning across the table. Candles lit, and lights dimmed she watches Cosima guide her fork to her mouth, she has to use her left hand, but it works.

 

“Is it good?” Delphine leans forward, watching Cosima take her first bite.

“Yes.” The words emerge from smiling lips.

The words come slowly, but they come. Cosima manages. They can both manage. Maybe it would come back slowly, but there was no reason they couldn’t resume their relationship, that they couldn’t grow together. That this couldn’t bring them closer, that Cosima couldn’t… comfort herself with this.

They eat, and finally when she brings over dessert, putting on the kettle for tea she feels like finally something has been a success. Movie and cuddle? Delphine thinks, that would give her the opportunity to feel closer to Cosima certainly.

She places Cosima’s dessert in front of her, the perfect little cake she’d picked up at a bakery, and she watches delight spread over Cosima’s face. This hadn’t been that expensive, and she could still spoil her. Without relying on the extra income she’d given up.

“Thank you.” Cosima offers gently, squeezing her hand, and drawing to her mouth for a quick kiss.

It’s enough to bring sharp intake of breath, Cosima’s warm mouth to her palm. She’s struck by an urge to pull Cosima up into her arms, to press their mouths together, to purposefully arouse Cosima and take her on the couch before dessert. But she resists, instead sitting down next to her, reaching for her own dessert.

“What is it? You look… nervous.” Delphine decides, glancing back over at Cosima.

“Delphine, I want…” Cosima stumbles over her words briefly. “You should see a counselor.” The words come finally.

“What?”

 

“You… should.” Cosima mumbles out. “Better for us.”

“I… I can.” Delphine offers confused. Though she’s not certain how that would go. How much honesty could the average therapist take? Would her former sex work become the conversation? Does Cosima believe that there is something wrong with her? Or was this about...coping?

“And… you could fuck other people.” These words come out of Cosima’s mouth in a rush. Was it to get it over with? Or was this really want Cosima wanted? Some sort of non-monogamy?

“What?!” Delphine drops her fork, tears welling up in her eyes. “Whose idea is this?”

“Mine.” Cosima responds in a small voice. “Relieve stress. Someone healthier…”

“No, my love, I won’t do it.” Delphine responds instantly. I only want you, she lets that remain unsaid. It’s stupid and romantic, but she’d thought that was what Cosima wanted as well. Is this a sense of inadequacy? Some way to get her to leave? As if she’d just abandon Cosima for the next woman to come along… she wouldn’t.

“Felix said…” Cosima starts cautiously.

She doesn’t have the patience for this anymore. “Felix also called me a whore.” Maybe he thought it wasn’t just the money for her, that she had some sort of voracious sexual appetite. That was definitely never the case, but it’s not like she should just bring it up either.

Cosima drops her gaze to the table. “Sorry. It was… he knew before…before it was real.”

“Oh…” Delphine looks up, pushing her chair closer to Cosima’s so that she can reach out for her, pulling her into her arms.

“Sarah knows too. But no one else…” Cosima offers meekly, “I’m sorry. Didn’t know then… that…”

“It’s okay… it is true.” Delphine gives Cosima a sad smile. “I… wish it wasn’t sometimes.” Maybe if she hadn’t been, Cosima would be more devoted to her in return. Then again, they probably would never have met if things had been different. If she hadn’t been a prostitute. If Cosima hadn’t been sick.

“What?”

 

“For you.” Delphine leans in, kissing Cosima’s cheek softly, before reaching to kiss her mouth. But it’s soft and slow, feels exactly the same as she remembers, even as she tries to slip her tongue into her lover’s mouth. She needs to convince her that she wants her, wants only her. That this can work, that they can be together like that. That Cosima herself is what spurns her need, and is the one who can fulfill it.

She stands, not breaking contact, and tries to get herself on Cosima’s lap, she’s laying gentle kisses on Cosima’s neck when she’s stopped. She wants this now, she thinks of how this seduction should go, what she should say. What she could say without making Cosima worry it is for show?

“Not now.” Cosima says simply, breaking away and kissing her cheek sweetly. “Let’s finish eating.”

“Okay.” Delphine says, blushing as she returns to her own seat, tries to focus her attention on her food.

She wants to ask, to outright demand an answer as to why Cosima doesn’t want her. She’d been next to her in bed each night, never bothered to hide when she changed. Reached out her own hands tentatively and nothing.

“Did you enjoy dinner?” Delphine asks later, curled up next to Cosima on the couch. But they’re not touching. They are barely ever touching at all now.

“Yeah, really good.” Cosima mumbles back, leaning away from her onto the armrest of the couch. “You went to the...normal store? This is some fancy stuff.”

“No, but I am never going to that grocery store again,” Delphine sighs, watching the movie Cosima selected on Netflix. It’s weird, but she is not ready to go just yet.

“Why?”

“I ran into Aldous Leekie. It was...uncomfortable.” Delphine finishes deciding on a word. She didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Or any former client. It was too much. Too personal in a way. She didn’t want them near this life at all.

Cosima remains silent for a long time, before lowering her head, her eyes watering.

“What is it?” She reaches out a soft hand to Cosima’s shoulder. Surely, this gentle touch wouldn’t annoy her.

“I hate... that he’s.. had you.” Cosima chokes out, eyes still fixed on the screen.

She wants to argue, that it was work. That he had never had her like Cosima has, and never would. But the words feel empty, and perhaps even false if all Cosima is speaking of is sex. And, she thinks with a sudden wave of regret, it’s not possible for Cosima to have her the exact same way.

There was no response for that, Delphine realizes. There is nothing she can say to change it, if she could go back in time, she’d refuse Leekie as a client, she’d had plenty of others… Others that did not know Cosima in any way. But maybe this was just something for her love to fixate on, for something that has already made her unlovable in some way.

“I am so sorry.” She says finally, unsure of how else to comfort Cosima about it.

 

**

It’s two days before she’s brave enough to even touch Cosima again.

The sun is just up, illuminating the bedroom in a soft light. And when she looks over at Cosima, she looks soft, blinking slowly in the light. She reaches out a hand to stroke the face she’s come to love so much, thumb rubbing gentle circles on Cosima’s cheek.

It’s even more perfect when Cosima pushes herself forward, gently bringing their lips into contact. She moans briefly into Cosima’s mouth.

And Cosima doesn’t stop, she pulls her in with her good arm, laying little kisses on her lips, her neck.

“Oh… you feel good.” Cosima murmurs to her, resuming her kisses. “Sorry… I was scared.” She admits between kisses. Fear? After all these weeks it was fear?

It’s the most there’s been in months, low heat settling in her body as her excitement rapidly sets in. It’s been too long, Delphine thinks as she pushes Cosima back, as she slides over her. Her nightgown is short, both for the summer heat and to try to get Cosima’s attention.

“Oh baby…” Delphine leans down, kissing Cosima as she straddles her, “oh my love.”

Finally, Cosima’s lips under her own, Cosima soft and yielding under her mouth. She feels like her heart will burst.

For a few moments it’s enough, she grabs for Cosima’s right hand, pressing it first to her face, and then sliding it down to cup her breast. It’s not strong, but Cosima squeezes weakly. She could make out with her for ages, this she knows, but she’s impatient this time.

“Yes?” Delphine asks gently, her hand holds Cosima’s in place.

“Yes.” Cosima responds without hesitation.

She considers for a minute, gently sliding Cosima’s hand the rest of the way down her body.

“Good, because I want you to fuck me…” Delphine whines, rolling her hips against Cosima’s skin. Knowing she’s already aroused, knowing this is all just a tease. Maybe this was what Cosima needed. Maybe she should have tried harder to convince her into bed. Maybe...

“Oh god…” Cosima simply murmurs back. Not mentioning the seduction. She lets her play with her just a little bit. “You mean it, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Delphine assures her with a few more tender kisses as she repositions herself over Cosima’s body. She pulls off the shorts Cosima wore to bed, tossing them behind her, and throwing her own nightgown off to join them. Only a thin cotton tank separated them now. She looks down at the purple fabric, and that is enough to have Cosima reaching for it.

Cosima manages to remove the tank herself tossing it behind her with a grin, it reassures her if anything and she lowers herself down, a thigh slipping between Cosima’s. It was just supposed to be for closeness, but she groans.

“Oh… you’re wet.” She breathes out, delighted at this, to feel this again. She’d been happy with just kissing. It was so much better than the terrible lack. And… Cosima was aroused. The feel of her heat against her thigh was unmistakable.

“Yeah.” Cosima answers sheepishly, kissing her face.

“Oh… Cosima…” She shifts, bringing a hand down between them, slowly easing it down Cosima’s chest, her belly… Maybe it’s too much, and maybe she’s being impatient… but Cosima groans again.

“Delphine…” She’s not sure if Cosima is begging. And if so what she’s begging for. Maybe it’s something else, but it certainly sounds needy.

“Let me in…” Delphine whispers, shifting her body back, her hand going between soft thighs. “Please… just let me in…”

Legs part somewhat slowly as her response. She enters her slowly, one finger at a time. It feels easy, but she watches Cosima’s face for signs of discomfort. For a few moments it’s perfect, Cosima around her fingers, moving her hips underneath her, smiling at her.

“I’m in you...” Delphine purrs delightedly, this is what she craves. And Cosima is open, and wet, and how could this be anything but perfect? How could she want this so much?

She’s stroking gently in time with kisses planted on Cosima’s neck and chest when she sees what she thinks is a wince.

“Too much?” She worries, she doesn’t want her hurt her, she just wanted to be inside. But maybe she shouldn’t have even tried.

At Cosima’s nod, she gently pulls out, moving down her lover’s body instead. This will do nicely, it’s not like her fantasies of Cosima hadn’t played out this scenario a dozen times since bringing her home.

“You taste like sex…” Delphine mumbles happily kissing the inside of her lover’s thighs. It’s perfect, so perfect even as her mouth makes contact and she feels Cosma shudder.

Cosima groans, tossing her head back and allowing her to continue. It’s not different now, Cosima under her tongue, swollen and needy and moving into her mouth.

Between quivering thighs, she promises silently to Cosima. That she’d give her forever, instead her tongue and lips work near silently. Delphine finds herself groaning several times, before Cosima begins to tremble, mouth falling open and head falling back.

It’s over almost too soon, and she’s happy to continue. This is good, this is enough. They are alive, together, and making love. There’s no reason not to continue, Delphine decides, working so gently, as tenderly as she can until Cosima crests again.

When Cosima is done, blissed out laid against the bed, she stretches herself out half on top of her.

“That was wonderful.” Delphine informs Cosima quietly. How could this not be? Affirmation of life, or otherwise, she was happy to have her now. She supposes in time, this will become their new normal. Until things change again.

“It could be better…” Cosima offers, her left hand moving to reach between them, to enter her quickly once she finds that she is ready.

“Yes…” Delphine hisses, rocking her hips. “You’re inside me.”

Cosima’s left hand works in her gently. She was right, it wasn’t as dextrous as her dominant hand. But it doesn’t matter.

“Perfect. You are perfect.” She breathes, trying to reassure Cosima.

Cosima half smiles up at her. “Really?”

Delphine smiles, rocking down gently into Cosima’s hand. “I love making love with you… you feel so damn good.” She lets herself run at the mouth, for Cosima, for her own enjoyment, all of it. But she holds back just a little. Let’s get married. Be with me forever. Let’s have everything. Maybe, someday she’d be brave enough.

“It’s yours…” She tells her, rocking her hips. And maybe it’s too much, and Cosima’s brow furrows and she’s certain that she’ll be subject to a lecture on feminism later. “No one else gets to have this now, it’s all for you.”

“Why?” Cosima seems vaguely uncomfortable. “Delphine… your body is yours…”

 

“Parce que je t’aime…” She responds as if that answers everything.

She comes, eventually, although it seems to take forever, neither of them mind.

She holds her afterwards, face to face, so close that their foreheads are still touching.

“We…. we can make it work.” Cosima whispers, pushing sweating curls back from her face. “Even if… I can’t give you… normal.”

“What is normal anyway?” Delphine suggests gently. “I don’t want anything you can’t give me.”

“Not… a full lifetime? Not children? You… you don’t want any of that?” Cosima’s voice is gentle, but her words sting at her the same.

The answer, of course, is not without Cosima. But maybe, maybe it’s too soon to even say that.

“I want you.” She says instead.

“I’m dying… And I don’t know when… it could be a decade… 15 years, I really don’t know. Congestive heart failure… if nothing else does me in… I just I don’t want you to be stuck with this.” Cosima tries to explain, tearing up. “I don’t… I don’t even know how long we’ll maintain a sex life, or… anything. Or if we can get clearance from my doctors to travel. Or if my right hand will ever work well enough to fuck you with it again…”

“Slowly… and we are all dying, Cosima.” It seems simple enough to say it, but what will it be like to live it.

“So… even if it’s like six years, and only three of them are half decent, you’re...okay?” Cosima looks at her expectantly.

“I want to give you everything I have to give.” Delphine says simply. Maybe it is just romantic drivel, but she can give Cosima that much. Her heart. Her body. Her time.

“There’s a new drug.” Cosima looks at her, pulling away for a moment. “I… I was going to say yes.”

“Good… we’ll try that.” Delphine leans in to give her a soft kiss on the forehead.

“We?” Cosima looks up, almost hopefully.

“It’s ‘we’ now.” Delphine reasons aloud, she’s as in this as Cosima will allow her to be.

“So what happens now?” Cosima asks, laying back prone on the bed, their bed.

“Everything. Anything.” Delphine responds, curling in her body to play with a stray dread.

Thing would have to continue to shift and change between them, depending on Cosima’s health. On so many things. But … her love wasn’t going to change, not that easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue to follow.
> 
> If you want no one to die - do not read the epilogue. Leave off at chapter 7 and decide you're done.


	8. Epilogue - Ten Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I never wanted to write an epilogue for this - and I think it is depressing as hell..
> 
> Consider ending at Chapter 7 to be more my original vision, a more optimistic view of love through illness. 
> 
> This exists for those of who you think that's a cop-out. And maybe you're right.

She’s not sure why she convinced herself it would be different now. Another eight minutes of her life wasted, her partner grinning up at her from his place on the bed. All completely unsatisfying. And instead of feeling merely annoyed, like she remembers, she feels as though she might vomit.

“That was phenomenal.” He breathes out in a laugh. At least one of them had enjoyed themselves. She hadn't forgotten nearly enough.

 

“I’m happy you enjoyed it.” Delphine responds somewhat awkwardly. She had to go, this hadn’t changed anything at all. Her phone sounds exactly on cue, saving her from further torture in this bed.

“Your phone is ringing…”

She snatches it up before he can catch sight of her lockscreen. Three dates was too many, but she had to move on. It was the perfect excuse, she checks the text message.

“I need to go…” Delphine excuses herself from the bed, eager to make her escape from this condo. She reaches first for her panties, she feels disgusting, but she’d rather leave and shower at home. She has enough time.

“So… when will I see you again? I don’t have my kids two weekends from now…” Ryan suggested with a smirk. “We could take a little getaway, and neither of us would have to play hooky again.”

Divorced. Professional. Reasonably good shape, close to herself in age. He’d been, theoretically, a good choice. In reality, she still wanted to throw up. He wasn’t Cosima. Nobody could be Cosima. At least with a man, she had thought, she wouldn’t be able to pretend.

“I'll call you next week.” Ryan leaves over behind her, kissing her shoulder. Delphine stops herself from shuddering, accepting his attentions with a small smile instead.

“Alright.” Delphine nods, she can think up some excuse to not make the date later.

“Is that your son?” Ryan looks at her phone before she can stow it away safely out of sight again. The lock screen displaying the smiling face of her child. “He must look like his father. Oh right, sorry, widowed… I keep forgetting you’re not a divorcée, like me.” At least he has the sense to look apologetic. “Sorry for bringing it up.”

“It’s fine.” Of course, she’s really not fine at all. She wants to get her clothes back on and get out of here, pronto.

She simply smiles, he was never supposed to resemble her at all. He was _Cosima’s._ She’d argued for it for months, and now lives with the guilt.

She has to rush to make her counselling appointment, needing so much to shower beforehand. Luckily, Anna expects her, and sees her in immediately.

She sinks into the dark faux-leather chair in the office, not wanting to talk. Waiting to be prompted. As she has so often done. She was here before she married Cosima. During each issue and health crisis. When she’d run into Aldous Leekie at a work function and panicked over blackmail. Later, pregnant with Lucien and panicking about Cosima’s declining health. All of it.

“How are you feeling?” Her counselor regards her gently across the desk. Anna had been her counselor for the last decade, and now she insisted on seeing her more frequently to help with her grieving process.

“The same…” Delphine shrugs, leaning back in the chair. She knows her façade of being fine, of functioning perfectly well after the loss of her wife is never going to fly with Anna. But she still tries. She’s thrown herself into her work and caring for her child. Though perhaps Anna thought that encouraging her to have a personal life would be beneficial now, it seemed more likely to make her crack at the seams.

 

“Have you been out at all?” Anna leans forward. “You’re moving on with your life, right?”

 

“I did… I tried dating, you remember, I told you about Ryan. Now, I even had sex… but… it is the same as I remember it.” Delphine makes a face, crossing her arms across her body. Ten years, and while she could still put on the same old show, it wasn’t doing anything for her. Maybe it was just too soon.

“Tell me about that.” Anna looks interested, but gentle. As per usual.

“It… it reminded me of doing sex work.” Delphine makes a face. “I let him take me out twice before, but…” She shrugs. There’s nothing else to say about it.

“You don’t have to be ready to jump headlong into a relationship. Why did you sleep with him if you didn’t want to?”

“It was… it was easier than dealing with his expectations.” Sex brought it back into a realm where she felt she had some control, perhaps that was it. It was familiar, meeting demands, putting on a show. It wasn’t vulnerable. Wasn’t honest. She was too old for that now, Delphine knows well, but if dating would feel the same, why bother?

“Were you safe about it?” Anna pries. Looking, no doubt, for some sort of destructive behaviour she could call her on.

 

“Non.” She answers that honestly. She didn’t care anymore… She was probably too old to conceive naturally, and … there was no Cosima to worry about passing anything on to. It was stupid. But she figured at most she’d wind up having to take antibiotics.

“That’s… unfortunate. Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know.” She hadn’t thought much about it really, hadn’t thought to ask for anything. Simply went with it. It was easier not to engage, not to set expectations from him. Or make demands.

“Did you tell him about Cosima? Or are you still letting him assume you had a husband?” Anna probes gently. She doesn’t want to talk about that, but knows that Anna won’t let it go. She never did with anything else when she was dealing with Cosima’s illness, and she certainly wouldn’t let anything go now.

“I couldn’t tell him.” Delphine rolls her eyes. “He’d probably be too excited by the possibility. Anyway, he couldn’t tell I hadn’t been with a man in a decade.” She assumes it’s impossible to get committed to a psych ward by being frigid, though some of the thoughts running through her head sometimes could probably land her there.

Anna tries again. “Tell me something good about your life. What about your son?”

“He’s still so little… He’s only four, and he barely understands that mommy isn’t coming back.” She chokes up instantly, eyes welling up. “It’s only been six months. He still asks for her.” This wasn’t what she was supposed to say, she’s supposed to concentrate on moving on. On learning to be happy without Cosima. On finding a new normal. Instead, she typically ends up in tears.

“And what do you tell Lucien?”

“That mommy was very sick, and she died. That she never wanted to leave us, but…” The façade breaks and she begins crying again. More than once she wished she believed in some religion, something to comfort her child with, as well as herself. But Cosima was simply gone.

“You still blame yourself?”

 

“I should have never asked her to do IVF with me. If I hadn’t...” Delphine breaks, her voice faltering. She didn’t want to go through this conversation again, it went absolutely nowhere.

No matter how many times she told the story aloud, working it out for herself it remained the same. It had taken years of convincing, begging a reluctant Cosima. Cosima who originally told her it was insane, even if she was in remission. Cosima who finally relented to her tearful, hormonal begging. Cosima who suggested many times they go the easier route, let the kid be genetically Delphine’s. In the end, they’d both made embryos, but it was Lucien she gave birth to. Cosima’s baby.

“The risks were low, you’ve told me yourself. And you carried Lucien. Not Cosima.” Anna reminds her, as if she needs reminding.

“Yes,” she chokes out between sobs. “But she had a flare.” Her stupid plan, her stupid desires had tossed Cosima out of remission and back into the worst of it.

 

“Yes, and she lived for nearly 4 more years.” Anna suggests gently. “The two of you had nearly a decade together, you built a life together, had a child… you did way more than she was ever expecting.”

“Yes.” Delphine couldn’t forget that either. Their wedding. The adventures they’d had - with clearance from Cosima’s doctors before the trips. The condo they bought together. The life they’d shared. How could she ever want anything else ever again?

“You had a great life together.” Anna summarizes. “It was short, but, I don’t think you call it anything other than satisfying.”

She doesn’t answer, merely cries more.

“Have you gotten rid of the rest of the embryos yet?” Anna asks, perhaps in an attempt to distract her. Not this conversation again, she thinks bleakly, they’d gone through this several times in the past two years.

She shakes her head. Not her own. Especially not Cosima’s. They cost her in storage fees, but she wasn’t ready to have them destroyed. Not yet.

“It’s a waste of money, Delphine.” Anna reminds her. “Either plan to have another child, or get rid of them. Donate them or have them destroyed. You already know my opinion - get rid of them.”

“I know.” She can’t bring herself to do that either. That had been the plan, Cosima’s plan… it just hadn’t worked out that way.

“And your in-laws? How are things with them?”

“We talk at least once a week, they skype Lucien… I think they finally believe I didn’t have him to dig my claws into the Niehaus trust fund.” But she had, marrying Cosima was not enough to inherit anything - a well crafted prenup had detailed that. But when she had had Lucien, things changed. Not so much for her, but Lucien was part of that family in a way she never would be.

“Oh, I think Katherine and Bert accepted you long ago… They stayed with you for three weeks when Cosima was dying.” Anna reminds her. “They adore their grandson… and I think they love you too… it’s been a decade, Delphine.”

“I know.” She does now, it has been years. Her in-laws had never gleaned anything of her occupation aside from her academics, her teaching, her research… the normal life that she had with Cosima. Her dedication to her. When Katherine looked at her now, she could tell that the woman just felt sorry for her. Nearly 40 and forced to start all over again, while shattered to pieces. She had known this day would come. Though five years ago she thought it’d be at least another decade, Delphine knows she would trade anything for just one more year.

“Have you thought more about moving back to Montréal?” She’d almost forgotten, it had been a half-baked idea she’d thrown out in the early weeks after Cosima passed.

“A little.” Delphine answers honestly. It’d had been so long since she’d lived there, she could sell the condo and buy a small house or a duplex for Lucien and herself. She could escape the memories, leave the home that she and Cosima had shared. But this city, this place seemed brimming with Cosima. With her energy. With the memories they’d made. How could she leave that?

It would never have been enough time, Delphine knows that well. She wakes in the morning and still looks for Cosima, still puts the kettle on for her tea every morning. The habits don’t change Even though she knows she’s gone. Even when if she wakes at night, it’s to Lucien crawling in with her - needing closeness with his remaining mother. Probably needing to check that she won’t disappear.

And when she doesn’t see Cosima around her, all she needs to do is look at Lucien. So much of his face is his mother’s. The same eyes. The same smile. The curve of his little nose. Even her energy, he’d inherited that too.

“I don’t know what I am going to do now.” Delphine admits, voice breaking. “I don’t know. Whenever I close my eyes, all I can see is her.” She dreams of Cosima too, far too often to be therapeutic. But she cannot spend the next year popping sleeping pills and taking sedatives, there is far too much at stake.

A warm hand presses to her own, and it’s supposed to comfort but she begins sobbing again. She’s going to look like death when she picks up Lucien from kindergarten. She wants to be there now, knowing that he’ll throw his little arms around her grinning as soon as he sees her.

“I think she’s all you want to see.” Anna suggests wisely. Though as to how any of this was supposed to help with her grief, she didn’t know. “You did right by Cosima, Delphine. You couldn’t have done anything more.”

“I love her just as much now as….” Delphine trails off in sobs. She’s lost in it again, like she usually is after these appointments. Her tendency to repress being thwarted once every two weeks.

Cosima, Cosima had died with her arms around her. Maybe, that was enough. But it was never going to be easy again.


End file.
